The past month and a playlist.

It has been about a month since I’ve turned 26 or blogged. It has been a hard month. And a good month. Each day seems to bring its own challenge…especially as far as my goals and hope for both this calendar year and this year of my life go. It was as if the moment I set those goals and aspirations, life set out to switch my steady treadmill to intervals..interval training is the fastest way to shock your system back into good cardiovascular conditioning though. Sweet silver linings, not with out a lot of sweat.

The problem is that I can’t seem to fix all the things about myself that I want to- emotionally, physically, spiritually. It often leaves me pretty discouraged internally. It makes me wonder “why even try?’ and so on. But this last month I have also been reminded of how much gray there is. Everything just isn’t black and white all the time. Which is a shame because it’s primarily how I’ve thought forever now. I’m realizing the extent of that as I confront things in me that I don’t like and want to change. It can be so frustrating.

For example, last week at community group we talked about how we all tend to be people pleasers or self-pleasers and I really had trouble with that. Because I can look back at events in my life and see them directly motivated by my swinging back and forth between those two camps one extreme to the other. When the reality is that God calls me to only please Him. This is vastly different from pleasing other or pleasing self because when I choose to be identified as a person set on pleasing God I am free from both of those labels and tempted to always go back to that slavery of worshipping others or worshipping self.

Freedom is what I long for. To be free from living in one extreme to the next, free from fixing one part of me only to fail in another part. Free from living in my own judgment and criticism all the time. Free from trying to make my own way when I AM HIS CHILD AND HE MAKES A WAY FOR ME. Furthermore, He takes me as I am and the only label that matters is that banner over me that reads “His beloved”… why is that SO difficult to live in when it’s the best freakin news on the planet?

I am hopeless and helpless apart from Christ. I am neither a people pleaser or selfish though prone to both. I am His and He is mine and His banner over me is love even when my heart is trying to intricately craft a banner of fear or shame or discontentment or worry or people pleasing or self indulgence or self wisdom to hang in its place. The banner that matters, the flag that flies faithfully over all my ridiculous attempts is His love and nothing less. I need the gospel each day. I need his new mercies, I need to know his unfailing kindness and ever taste of his great grace.

I wrote the above entry before leaving to church on Sunday morning. I was barely able to make myself go until I had written that out and seen that the funk I felt was more a need to hear the gospel than to sleep or clean or organize my life or do. Then, as we continued through Galatians, which is consequently all about freedom, the pastor teaching said, “ We all need and long to hear the words ‘ you are mine and you will be with me in paradise’ we must stand and live and walk in the perfect person of Jesus Christ. We WILL be crushed if we stand on our own.” I knew in that moment that God was reassuring me of His gospel at work in my heart, of His banner of love flying high over me claiming me and keeping me. This is the truth that keeps me running the race regardless of what I’m feeling. This is my hope through all of these days that someday not too far off, I will be with Him in Heaven and see Him as He is and I will know in that moment the wholeness of all the little pieces I hold on to now.

I am thankful that Heaven is at the end of this race.

“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, power and authority before all time now and forever. Amen.” Jude 1:24&25

This passage melts me. Its so regal, so official and so beautiful and insanely for me and not about my doing anything. Its entirely unmerited. It’s so easy to only interpret the entire world through the inward turmoil I am seeing when the lens God gives, the map He presents me to finish the race with is so much kinder, far more motivating and full of promises that He is going to keep.

So, here’s March’s playlist and cheers to remaining in this heart-melting hope.

 
the month in pictures coming soon.