The past month and a playlist.

It has been about a month since I’ve turned 26 or blogged. It has been a hard month. And a good month. Each day seems to bring its own challenge…especially as far as my goals and hope for both this calendar year and this year of my life go. It was as if the moment I set those goals and aspirations, life set out to switch my steady treadmill to intervals..interval training is the fastest way to shock your system back into good cardiovascular conditioning though. Sweet silver linings, not with out a lot of sweat.

The problem is that I can’t seem to fix all the things about myself that I want to- emotionally, physically, spiritually. It often leaves me pretty discouraged internally. It makes me wonder “why even try?’ and so on. But this last month I have also been reminded of how much gray there is. Everything just isn’t black and white all the time. Which is a shame because it’s primarily how I’ve thought forever now. I’m realizing the extent of that as I confront things in me that I don’t like and want to change. It can be so frustrating.

For example, last week at community group we talked about how we all tend to be people pleasers or self-pleasers and I really had trouble with that. Because I can look back at events in my life and see them directly motivated by my swinging back and forth between those two camps one extreme to the other. When the reality is that God calls me to only please Him. This is vastly different from pleasing other or pleasing self because when I choose to be identified as a person set on pleasing God I am free from both of those labels and tempted to always go back to that slavery of worshipping others or worshipping self.

Freedom is what I long for. To be free from living in one extreme to the next, free from fixing one part of me only to fail in another part. Free from living in my own judgment and criticism all the time. Free from trying to make my own way when I AM HIS CHILD AND HE MAKES A WAY FOR ME. Furthermore, He takes me as I am and the only label that matters is that banner over me that reads “His beloved”… why is that SO difficult to live in when it’s the best freakin news on the planet?

I am hopeless and helpless apart from Christ. I am neither a people pleaser or selfish though prone to both. I am His and He is mine and His banner over me is love even when my heart is trying to intricately craft a banner of fear or shame or discontentment or worry or people pleasing or self indulgence or self wisdom to hang in its place. The banner that matters, the flag that flies faithfully over all my ridiculous attempts is His love and nothing less. I need the gospel each day. I need his new mercies, I need to know his unfailing kindness and ever taste of his great grace.

I wrote the above entry before leaving to church on Sunday morning. I was barely able to make myself go until I had written that out and seen that the funk I felt was more a need to hear the gospel than to sleep or clean or organize my life or do. Then, as we continued through Galatians, which is consequently all about freedom, the pastor teaching said, “ We all need and long to hear the words ‘ you are mine and you will be with me in paradise’ we must stand and live and walk in the perfect person of Jesus Christ. We WILL be crushed if we stand on our own.” I knew in that moment that God was reassuring me of His gospel at work in my heart, of His banner of love flying high over me claiming me and keeping me. This is the truth that keeps me running the race regardless of what I’m feeling. This is my hope through all of these days that someday not too far off, I will be with Him in Heaven and see Him as He is and I will know in that moment the wholeness of all the little pieces I hold on to now.

I am thankful that Heaven is at the end of this race.

“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, power and authority before all time now and forever. Amen.” Jude 1:24&25

This passage melts me. Its so regal, so official and so beautiful and insanely for me and not about my doing anything. Its entirely unmerited. It’s so easy to only interpret the entire world through the inward turmoil I am seeing when the lens God gives, the map He presents me to finish the race with is so much kinder, far more motivating and full of promises that He is going to keep.

So, here’s March’s playlist and cheers to remaining in this heart-melting hope.

 
the month in pictures coming soon.

Quotes to live by

"The Good news is that your life is not subject to the whims of a sin-stained deity. The ups and downs we experience relationally with the people around us is not an accurate picture of our relationship with Christ.
We often reverse this and askew the rightful order.
When we live to please people and make them our idols, giving them the place in our lives that only God should have we find ourselves jerked around, happy and then sad, disappointed and hurt and ready to give up on it all.
We need to remove our friends, spouses, families, leaders from the throne of our hearts and TRUST a trustworthy, sinless God who loves us.

This gives us confidence in how we love, how we can interact with others...even if it means we're all alone because as His kids we're never all alone."

quote

" sin is the rebellious attempt to be made whole via unwholesome means.  To nurture a gospel-centered character, we need to trace back the temptation to its seed, then take that need to the cross of Christ.  Only in the gospel can our deepest needs be met.  When our deepest needs are met, our identity is found in Christ, our worth is secured through the cross and our future finds sanctuary in the promises of the Father, then we have a character is gospel-centered instead of self-centered."

I have a hero

Man! Lately I have had so many lies whispered into my head and heart and seen them either demolished by truth or grow into issues that God must deal with in me.

A certain quote comes to mind:

"If you want to guarantee your story is a tragedy, then make yourself the hero of it."

The more I question my worth and value and identity and position, the more I let natural insecurities fester into wounds that I instinctively-in my flesh- look to be the hero of my story. Sometimes these infected insecurities can leave me looking to be the hero of anybody's stories.

The problem is fundamental.

The problem is I only ever disappoint others and make my story a tragedy when I set up grand plots in my head to be a hero, to make friends and influence people and save the day.

The truth is, most of the lies whispered into my head are partially true and the reality is Christ has spoken victory over them in my life when He went to the cross, rose again and assured me he would return for me.

And He desires to speak victory over them daily if I would ever stop for a moment and look for His working.

Truth is so needed. 

Here's the truth I am clinging to today:

"13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ,

14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." 

Titus 2:13&14

I am waiting for Jesus and I am not without hope. 

He IS absolutely for sure returning for me.

He is and always will be the hero in my story.

I am a great sinner and I have a great Savior!

He gave up His life for mine.

That's the extent to which He values me. That's the expression of His love for me. This is the origin and sustenance of my worth.

He's redeemed me from my tragedy.

He's made me something new, something beautiful, something precious. 

He wants me. 

I am His. 

He has a very specific purpose for me and seeks to fulfill it in and through me. 

He did the work.He does the work. 

He's the hero!

For these truths I am grateful and I am desperately looking forward to Heaven to see it all as it truly is and be with my Hero forever and ever!

Sleepy Saturday

I'm thankful to be in bed still, reading and resting and overall just not quite ready to rush into my day and the craziness of the coming week, when I go and stumble upon this quote from Ed Welch in an article on how law and grace work together to confront and uproot sin in our lives..
"Rest is spiritual, complacency sinful."

Lord, help me to rest in the security of Jesus' work and grow through the dazzling grace He gives me daily!
It's true that love so amazing and so divine demands soul, my life, my all.
I belong to You, You are in complete authority, please let my life reflect that today!
Amen

The most important thing about me!

A few months back I made a very detailed list of priorities. Things I wanted to do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. Characteristics I asked the Lord to develop in me. You know practical things that I really just wanted to happen in my life to make me a better human being/ time manager/ friend/ daughter etc.

Today God reminded me of how useless all my priorities are if I am not sure of the most important thing about me. Through His wonderful words of comfort and truth, I couldn't be happier to say that the most important thing about me is that I am justified. Not that I am patient or pretty or dressed well or good at my job or a good friend or an excellent time manager ( which I am not haha).
It is that I am justified. The way I was taught in Jr.High was "just as if I've never sinned". You won't find that in any multivolume theology book or deep soteriology discussion, but I have carried it with me to this day.

Romans 5:1-6
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For jwhile we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

By no means is this a comprehensive study, but these are just some things I noted this morning that brought satisfaction to my thirsty soul and joy throughout the day, despite my track record with Wednesdays..


1) Therefore, since we have been justified ( remember just as if I've never sinned; declared righteous in the eyes of God as Christ is our legal propitiation) by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Christ Himself in MY peace.
2)Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace (unmerited favor) in which we stand ( not shrink back or shrivel up or get squished, we STAND before God righteous and before the world as a reflection of that Righteous Judge and Savior), and we rejoice( delight in, gladden or glory in) in hope (the hope of Heaven with Jesus, worshipping Him as He is) of the glory of God (eternal, not temporal).
3) Not only that, but we rejoice (delight in, gladden or glory in) in our sufferings (Think of Christ on the cross. He is our patter. 1 Peter 2:21-24), knowing that suffering produces endurance,
4) and endurance (again Christ as my example. He endured the cross despising the shame to ransom us from sins chains) produces character (these fruits of the spirit or imprints of Christ on us are only visible as we follow the Leader and walk in the pattern He has set for us), and character produces hope,
5) and hope does not put us to shame, (This is great news! but why doesn't this specific hope disappoint or shame us like most of the other "hopes" we try out?) because God's (unconditional, never gonna let you go) love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (but HOW is this possible?)
6) For while we were still weak (spiritually weak/ dead), at the right time ( all things are beautiful in God's timing!) Christ died for the ungodly (for me!!).

AW Towzer (whom I love) says, "The most important thing about a person is what comes into his mind when he thinks of God."
I've always loved that. But today I realized the most important thing about me is how God views me, because most of the time my thoughts are stupid..even when I am trying to think of God. But that He has declared me righteous, even while/when I was/am spiritually weak. That He gives me grace to stand through eternity and rejoice in that hope even now, knowing that He is up to good in me.
So thankful for the comfort of Gospel and its ability to both change my perspective for the day and keep my heart in check.

The business of being satisfied

The Lord has been gathering my thoughts and centering them on the Word, which can cut to the core of any situation.
 This morning in the small three-chapter book of Joel, God cut to the core again!
We are a generation, a culture, a race, a people...I am a person driven by wants.
This is a problem, on the most basic of levels, simply because these things are not the deeply fulfilling love (you know the kind that will take all of eternity to bask in and understand) that our souls crave.


The Rolling Stones were not the only people to ever feel they couldn't be satisfied.. I'm speaking from personal experience here, people!
 "if only it were Friday already" "if only I could get a massage" "if only I had a best friend" "if I were prettier, nicer, smarter, more athletic " You get the picture.
Well here in Joel, God tells a failing Israel something that I rejoiced in hearing and was quite shocked at this morning...
"You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame. " 
Here in verse 26, for the second time (see verse 19), God tells the children of Israel
 "you will be satisfied." 
This is not like parents telling their kids "you will help us do yard work and you will like it"
This is the answer to the deep soul craving for satisfaction that the shamed children of God had in the time of Joel, which I, as His child now, struggle to know experientially.
This is a word spoken tenderly to those in the midst of shame and war and famine and all kids of struggle.
Keeping in mind that we were promised trial and tribulation, let's draw our attention to these fittly words in Joel and the ones that follow it.
 He will satisfy me. This is not just a possibility, but it is the answer I need.
 Jesus is in the business of satisfying. Namely, He satisfied the debt we owe to God the Father, making us able to come to Him one on One.
This is the good news, the gospel- He is what He offers!
He offers Himself to me that I might know satisfaction.
He is mine! So thankful for that..
And as if this promise of satisfaction weren't enough, Joel goes in to tell us about how the Holy Spirit will be ours too, and the empowering that will come with Him so that when the awesome day of the Lord comes we will not be shamed!

Friends, He alone is our satisfaction for today, our hope to be satisfied tomorrow and our assurance that eternity will know no greater love that Christ offering Himself to us.
 Because of this, we can pray and I am praying that today and tomorrow and all the days to come I'll be satisfied in this- that Jesus satisfied my debt before the Father and that He offers Himself to me daily for the deepest fulfilling of all that my soul craves.
What a perspective changer for this Friday!

 "While I draw this fleeting breath, 

When mine eyes shall close in death,

 When I soar to worlds unknown, 

See Thee on Thy judgement throne,

 Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee."

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Hold up! 10 truths that got me through this week!

I've been working through some difficult things. And by "working through", I mean God has had grace enough to carry me through, open my eyes, reveal sin and admonish me in His Word.
1. The Word of God tells me to abide in Him and that He abides in me. (john 15, 1&2 john)
The mere fact that He reveals specific sin in my life is the work of my Guarantee , my sealing of the Holy Spirit and His active work in my heart&mind to sanctify me and complete the good work that Jesus started in me.
2. This means I am His.
And while I may not feel it, His Word tells me that He is mine. His communion table actively reminds me of both my need for Him and the precious truth that I have Him right now( He never leaves us) and I have Him to look forward to (we'll see him as He is!)
3. He uses me in the midst of my own struggles.
Teaching me that He, in fact, is the sole Doer of every good work in my life.. even when I think/had thought"I have it together& of course I am being used"... Praise God!
4. His Word combats each lie I am tempted to buy into.
It is Right& True and tells me that I am dead and my life is hidden in Christ. My worth and identity is untouchable in the hands of the most caring of all Shepherds!

5. So When I feel like no one wants me or that people only want me to watch their kids or, that I don't want me, I am forced to face the truth that He wants me.
He wants me so bad that He will transform and prune and stretch me past what I can even understand.
And that He does it for my own good and for His ultimate glory. And THIS is a worshipful life (Rom 12:1-2) and an abundant life (John 10:10)
6. The testimonies of those who have gone before me (in scripture) show me that "it could always be worse!"
what an earthly thought. But I think of Hosea taking a wife of whoredom. How bizarre and well, worse than anything I've yet to experience. God's purpose in that was redeeming love. God has a purpose in all He does and God can use all things (Rom 8:38)
7. The testimonies of those who run alongside me propel me to keep on going.
I think of my dear sweet friend jazmin pressing through cancer at the ripe age of 22...rock solid in her faith. I think of my faithful friend Christine, struggling alongside me to fix our affections on Christ and serve Him joyfully. I think of my pastors and close friends who go out of their way to support my endeavors.
8. I am reminded that in every past struggle, I gleaned a richness to my faith.
I've seen and believed God in a deeper way. He's unchained yet another piece of my heart and captured it with His kindness. And so in the midst of tears and confusion I anticipate the richness I will know yet again from trusting Him for my day to day.
9. I am assured of His character/nature and knowability!
I am confident He is the Good Shepherd, that He is my Refuge and Shelter. That He is Strong, All-wise and the Giver of good gifts. I delight in His Mercy, His goodness and His comfort. I know He keeps His Word and I rejoice in His faithfulness to me, in spite of me.
10. I am all the more confident in His heart as my Abba Father.
I am becoming quick to enter His throne room and sad to leave it. I am certain that He desires me to pray and moves on behalf of me. I am acutely aware that prayer reminds me that this control freak has no control but one better, has an Advocate who is Jesus Christ, the Righteous!
And so to this end I pray- Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth-in my heart, life, workplace, home, thought life,ambitions- as it is in Heaven.

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I am not enough

I am not enough. I can't do it all. I get sick like everybody else. And will never be the end-all cure to anything. Of that I am pretty certain. 
I got sick over the weekend. Which is amongst my least favorite things ever. Not even due to the actual sickness, I happen to think I have an amazing immune system and the two to three times a year that it fails me and I actually do get sick, it bounces back pretty quickly.
I realized and actually said out loud to my boss , "I hate rest!" when I wanted to come in to work despite their kindness to let me stay home. 
On Sunday, I was out of commission, though I denied it plenty. I sat on the couch and watched food network, re-runs of Jessie (yes I am a child) and back to back to back war movies with my little brother.
While it was spent in good company and my family rather enjoys babying me when I am sick because it means that I am actually at home... I hate it.
I hate not doing. I crave work and busy-ness and responsibility. It's dumb, I know.
I hate letting other people take care of me. I hate being weak, needy, vulnerable.


The problem is pretty much that I am prideful.
FULL. OF. PRIDE.
I like to work to fulfill myself.
I enjoy accomplishing things because it makes me feel great, worthy, acceptable.
I like to be strong, because I think of myself as strong and, well, perfect.
This is obviously a problem, and a sin.
Because I am not perfect.
I am flawed, depraved and damned apart from Christ. Hopeless and helpless but for the grace that God gives me.
If I am living to rejoice in myself, my strength and my awesomeness..it's going to be a wasted, pointless, depressing life of idol worship. No joking here.


The second issue is that Rest is good. God created rest. God patterned rest, even though He IS actually limitless and all powerful. God provides rest. And my heart is meant to be set on Eternal Rest, "waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ," (Titus 2:13)
That is the Romans 12:1&2 life of worship that Paul writes about over and over again. A heart fixed on Christ, His coming return and Himself as our righteousness.
He alone is perfect having fulfilled the law and prophets in His life and death. He alone provides satisfaction to the divide that stands between sinful me and God the Father.


Maybe you know all these things. Maybe you are/have struggled with this as I have ( or maybe not.)
There question is what does repentance look like? How is this sin overcome?


Knowing is half the battle right? Well, the other half seems much harder at first thought.
But the TRUTH is the other half of this is much, much sweeter.
In the face of my sin, my heavenly Father, is forgiving. Tell Him the truth.
Today my prayer and confession was as basic as "Wow, i'm way off! and I really need You. Please forgive me for my pridefulness"


Overcoming this sin is in right worship of God. Like that of Mary&Martha in Luke 10. Time with Jesus. Getting rid of my "man-up-ology" and rejoicing in the Gospel. Right now. Reminding myself of my hopelessness and depravity. Remembering Christ crucified and risen. Knowing how willing the Father is, how quick to love and slow to anger. Tasting His kindness that leads to repentance.
 Letting the Word of God instruct my heart, transform my thinking so that I Treasuring His strength in my weakness.


Other Resources:

•  Reformatting your schedule may help practically to keep your heart mindful of this area. I read this article early this week from Joe Thorn at The Resurgence.. Rebuilding a Healthy Schedule
• This is also another favorite of mine from The Resurgence..The nightmare and gift of being weak and needy
• From Tullian Tchividjian's blog, a good reminder!...Are you Righteous?

I am very thankful for a faithful forgiving Father who teaches me grace through sickness. Who shows me my sin that I might yet come closer to Him and refuses to hold it against me. ever.

seriously amazing grace.

I pray that whatever you're facing, you find the gentle hand of the Father guiding your soul to rest and trust in Him.

-Until next time I get a chance to blog!

Reflections of a college graduate.

Five favorite things about Graduation Day, also coincidentally Cinco De Mayo:

1. Our coordinating 5 Solas graduation caps.. I love these guys!

2. The opportunity to make my daddy proud. 

3. Katie Duffy's gospel-centered valedictorian speech that just seemed to sum up so much stuff happening in my life 
             

                A. Live sacrificially
            

                B. Christ's strength made perfect in weakness!

4. The loved ones that came to support me. I am truly loved. I can't even believe the amount of love and support I have..I am surrounded by such amazinggggg and encouraging people..so much love!

5. The fact that it's on 5 de Mayo so when I go home and watch Selena and cry when she dies (because I always do) it's warranted because I had an "exciting " day.

I'm so blessed! 

SOLI DEO GLORIA!

Guilty

I'm guilty of over-emoting. A trait that I've despised for years. haha
Today I realized, excessive reflection/introspection is the same as excessive emoting. Guilty as charged.

Moving on..
This weekend was cool! I spent the Night Friday with family :)
Saturday went to the beach in La Jolla since IB is polluted (still/again)
It was warm and full of people. The best people, obviously, were the ones I was with.
How lucky am I?
Then we ventured to Sprinkles Cupcakes (woohooo!).
Overall they were no sweet genius, but it was cute and fun.

I treasure free time and family SO much. So I am very thankful for that.
Then I joined some old college friends. hahah
We talked about Hunger Games and Depravity.
And weddings.. (Because they're pretty much ALL getting married in the next 3 months)
We ate fro yo, exchanged accessories and planned the next time we'd hopefully get together
and maybe (hopefully) a weekend of camping in the Grand Canyon soon. I sure hope so!

This morning, I dragged myself to church. and was blessed.
Emeal Zwayne (EZ) with Living Waters ministry was preaching today as my Pastor is out of town.
He talked about passing the torch/parenting/leading our children.
I cried. guilty of over-emoting..again.
I feel so passionately about parenting and guiding youth/kids to treasure Christ.
I desire so much to have my own children. To plan discipling them. To discipline and love and serve them to the glory of God.
I have children though now. and for that I am/was even more thankful and blown away.
I have 15 two year olds daily. I have kids that are like little brothers and sisters and nephews and nieces to me. I have random kids that follow me. I have youth that get to teach regularly.
If it's not for the glory of God to proclaim the sweet excellencies of Him then what's the point?

Encouraged.Rebuked.Challenged all at once. Soooo thankful to be reminded of vision and purpose and passion when Jesus is at the center.

I bought the CD. I have no idea how to post the audio here for you sorry. but if you want to borrow it, let me know.

I graduate next Saturday.
I'm counting my blessings and so overwhelmed with joy that Christ cares for me, that I am His friend and treasure and a vessels that He uses.
wow.

Is Jesus Really Enough?

What a long and weird week.
I must confess it was a difficult week.
I suppose no more difficult than the last few, but I was just off all week.

And then I read this..
http://kellyneedham.com/2012/04/15/is-jesus-really-enough/

It would be lying if I didn't tell you that this absolutely convicted me. but not in a guilt sort of way.
It was so encouraging. I pray you have the time to read it.

Fast forward to today. My day was not my ideal Sunday. I barely dragged myself into church this evening. Missed most of worship, barely made it for communion..rushing.
The sermon nearly passed threw both ears, but one thing he said really struck a chord deep with in my heart..
It was about Jonathan's plea to King Saul in 1 Sam 19-
Jonathan intervened  on David's behalf, reminding Saul of David's battles and sacrifices and encouraging his father not to sin by harming him.
My pastor was quick to point out that people don't remember the great things you do. fact. and that sometimes, even if you've done absolutely nothing wrong, people will still have a bone to pick with you.
The bottom line is that, in general, people will not remember how you were serving, sacrificing or giving so you had better be doing those things for the Lord and not for man.
So simple.
I mean think of parenting. Obviously, parenting isn't the business you get into if you're looking for people who can give you something back or return the favor, since a baby/toddler is the most demanding and dependent creature I can think of except for maybe cats..so bossy.
As I sat processing this truth, I really had to stop and ask myself.
"Is Jesus really enough?"
Is He enough or am I looking for a return from the people around me?
Is He enough or am I hoping to be remembered/noticed/appreciated?
Is He enough or do I idolize my reputation and work ethic?
Is He enough or am I looking for love in all the wrong places?
Is He enough or isn't he?

I love how even while I am challenged to the depths of my being, convicted by the ugliness of my heart, He speaks peace to me. He offers me Himself and let's me taste of His goodness.
What patience! What grace!

Lawyers, Death and a Fat Day

Friday April 6th was quite a day.. Some call it Good Friday. My morning started with getting lost downtown in a parking garage on my way to meet with a lawyer and review my deposition for an upcoming case where I would testify as a witness. Maybe I've never told you the story about my deposition...it was terrifying. The meanest lawyer I ever did meet! I can be easily intimidated yes and I can have trouble articulating myself, but she was truly one of the meanest, word-twisting lawyers ever. In fact, I haven't seen her for two years and I feel physically SICK when I think of her. So fearful me was being coached by another lawyer to be strong and uphold the truth. seems simple enough? Also terrifying. That was the beginning. I decided to de-stress I would do some retail therapy and find a cute and happy outfit for Easter Sunday. That didn't go well. I'm not sure if it's the new trends or just me but I hated everything and when I did finally find the cutest dress, I felt so fat. And that was it. Then it had officially become "one of THOSE days" you know, a fat day..it's like a bad hair day but worse. A few hours of pilfering around the mall hopelessly, I drove home now mentally, physical and emotionally exhausted. I also felt bad for bailing on some good friends, but I felt I really needed a nap more than I needed friends by this time. When I got home, I found my dad to be upset...his countenance downcast, his body language looked how I felt. Why not ask I figure...it's the right thing to do. "dad is everything alright?" "John's dead." John is the oldest of my brothers.. adopted and estranged. very estranged. I have no memories of him after age 9. But the memories I do have of him are of he and his kids at Pirates Cove for my twin's and my birthday parties. He was one of the only adults to throw on some knee pads and climb through ball pits, and tunnels to get to padded rooms and slides in the underground play maze that we all loved. My heart sank. I knew I barely knew him, but my dad was visibly hurting. As the day progressed. I wasn't sure how to process it. I watched some little house on the prairie, went out for coffee, tried to do some homework and before you know it, it was time for church. oh yeah, that's right! Did I mention this was Good Friday. so naturally, I was going to drop any Friday evening plans to be at church, partaking of communion. I didn't even realize it til that evening in communion, but once I did it changed everything. Good Friday is the measure of all goodness. When you read my account of the day's events, their ain't much good. and my heart struggled to wrap my head around it. And that is just the most beautiful thing about it- Good Friday is GOOD because it is the day that Christ suffered and died on the cross ( still doesn't sound so good huh) Well, in doing so He conquered sin and death, satisfying the wrath of God and making a way for us to come to God, to love Him in return, to know Him personally and no longer be bogged down by sin and impending judgement. The day that is celebrated and named for rejoicing in the cross of Christ came and nearly went without any rejoicing whatsoever on my part. I was so distracted by my circumstances, by sadness, by vanity that I MISSED the opportunity to celebrate and share Good News of Good Friday with everyone around me. What a way to be out of the battle, to miss the point completely. Not to mention, in solving all my "problems" of the day- I missed the only actual answer which is the cross of Christ for which Good Friday is named. duhhhhhhh, Malia! I looked to clothes and friends and coffee and Little House on the Prairie and a nap before I fell on my face at the cross and saw His kindness lead me to repentance and His goodness satisfy all my wants and my worth as His treasure and my joy in knowing Him and my hope in Heaven.My idols were exposed. What a cool and sad thing. How pathetic and crazy when our actions tell us where our hearts really are-so much louder and more evident that we are ready to admit most days. But it wasn't too late! It wasn't too late to rejoice in the cross of Christ. In the beautiful submission of Christ to the Father who love me and wills for me to be saved, to know Him, to know His love for me and to make my request known to Him. As I held the juice and cracker, in the quietness of my heart I remembered His necessary death for my sin and my wickedness and for that of the whole world's! In only a few moments of tasting His goodness and remembering all His benefits my fears were gone, my problems resolved, my emotions resolved, my hope anchored. And that my friends is why Good Friday is good.Even if you feel fat, are missing a loved one or are surrounded by lawyers (ugh)- my debt has been paid, my heart renewed, my life made worth living.. and it's not too late for you either...are you rejoicing in the cross today?

Finding Favor!

As much as I sometimes fight and struggle over the things in my life, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am in the Lord's hand and He graciously pours out His providence and kindness on me. Not too long ago, someone asked me "How did you turn out okay if everyone else is so screwed up?" I really didn't know what to say cause I was mostly just shocked that they went there. but I timidly replied, "just the grace of God I guess" Over the last few weeks, I have seen that most certainly reaffirmed in my life. He 100% knows what I need, and how it need it. He keeps me places to teach me, to show me His love for me and to honor Him. I am 23 and still living at home. Thats hard for me to stomach sometimes, but for now, I absolutely KNOW it's the Lord. My best of friends started a new church and I stayed behind. I've felt my share of left out, or abandoned and many other silly things. but, for now, I know with the utmost certainty that He kept me at my current church in this time and that He's honored in my submission to Him and really, it's my delight to walk in the good works He's set in front of me. I got denied working at Gymboree and singing to kids all the day and instead, got hired on at the church's preschool. It melts my heart every day. and even only a few weeks in I can see His favor being poured out on me. I'm 23, done with college and so single. (this is not a call of desperation btw)It's weird to openly proclaim that.. i think it actually makes other people uncomfortable that I am so okay with it. ha! The truth is, I see very obviously how my singleness honors the Lord, makes me available to His people and always always challenges my heart to rejoice in Him undistractedly. that summarizes the majority of my life, and some would say that is boring and not exciting at all... I'm here to tell you otherwise. There is genuinely NOTHING that can compare or relate to being exactly where the Lord has me...in all areas. Even when my heart and mind are enticed to want what I do not have,which does,in fact, happen. I can say with my whole being that I've tasted of the Lord's goodness, that I am content in His Sovereignty and there is peace unspeakable in my heart to get up and face tomorrow, because I am in His hand and His favor, His grace are evident in my life! So so so thankful <3

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."Romans 15:13 ESV

PS. Are you praying for me to glean the wisdom of His Word and the clarity of His heart for the women of my church? please dooooooo! The retreat is in two weeks& I've yet to pick a topic. yikes!

Big house in the little woods

I spent the past weekend in Big Bear at our annual youth winter camp.
I didn't take enough pictures, but I learned Alot and got a fair amount of memories to keep.
It wasn't at all what I expected in the sense that the Lord moved differently than I expected and most of the things I learned were not from studies or being in the Word but from pondering the attitudes of my heart when put into ridiculous or stressful situations.
What the Lord really showed me was my need for faithfulness and the gravity of extending grace to others (specifically those in charge). People at every level need reminders of His grace and in every situation God desires me to accurately depict His graciousness toward them. It's easy for me to see that people need grace, but much more difficult for me to extend it, especially after you try and kill me via smoke inhalation.
I am inspired and challenged because the Gospel is a BIG DEAL and it's meant to be lived out by His people!
I'll be sure and post the video after its made...I saw snow fall for the first time, also mountain people. So interesting...haha

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Elect exile

I started to read through 1 Peter today.
To be honest, every Christmas break is a struggle for me spiritually.
I have zero routine. I am not teaching the Word or surround by people who's sole collegiate aim is to study it.

The irony of this is that I am now on an indefinite christmas break until the eternal Christmas when my King returns! And while January will bring routine, nothing is certain...freaks me out.

Speaking of freak outs- I feel like if you read my blog then you predominately get to hear my inward dialogue and struggles, not that I am a hypocrite but once processed-and sometimes not- I share with you the precious things I ponder in my heart.
I am not yet sure if that is a good thing. In fact, most of me feels like you should earn the privilege of hearing it... Haha but the reality is, if you've read this far I suppose you have.
All that to say, yesterday I ruined a perfectly lovely day by simply freaking out on the inside.
"I have no goal or purpose"
"I'm 22 and I live with my parents"
"I can't even keep my room clean or be nice to my parents"
"my hair won't even cooperate with me" "why did I get a degree in BIBLE!!?!!"
"where should I get a Job?"
etc etc etc
All boiled down to a very confused and sad Malia. :(
Back to the beginning- 1 Peter.
Believe me when I say that the last thing I wanted to do this morning was spend time in the word. But I'm so glad I did( FYI this is nearly always the case...check yourself!)
So here I am to share with you God's heart in peter's introduction no less! It changed my heart, focused my mind and is just pretty stinkin cool!

Peter is in Rome writing to a handful of cities in Asia Minor. He addresses his letter to "elect exiles"...what a cool title!
While exiles may not seem like a particularly hopeful term, it absolutely is! Because it references our unnatural placement, our deep longing and search for something to call 'home' and our obvious misfitting within the world.
When modified by the word 'elect',it sounds the alarm we need to hear- that we are accepted by God, chosen by Him for salvation and unearned favor, and for the purposes listed further on in the text. What a paradox to have elected exiles, but doesn't that explain our deep struggle to stand out and fit in, or to be contented in a striving world or to force our flesh to submit to the things our spirit wills?
But look what Peter writes "according to" in verse 2--
1. The foreknowledge of God the Father
2. The sanctification of the Spirit
3. The sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ (for our obedience)
This is by the ACTIVE work of the Triune God that He writes: "grace and peace be multiplied to you."

Best introduction ever!
Do you want a multiplication of grace, that beautiful unearned favor of God
or peace, the kind that surpasses all understanding, the kind that allows you to stand before God(Rom 5)?

Look no further- it's multiplied to you in the active work of God being sure of His choice when He drew me to Himself for His own delight.
It's evident in the progressing sanctification as we are made into the likeness of Jesus through the Spirit which seals us and guarantees us we will see Him again and be where He is.
Grace and peace culminates in the sprinkling of the blood of Christ for our redemption!
In Him we know grace upon grace. In Him we have peace with God..in Him we have a Living Hope, as Peter will go on to write, that is cause for rejoicing and obedience to Him.
In Him, All my qualms are settled,emotions dissipated.
In Him, I can rejoice.
What a God of grace and comfort we serve...

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Advice for finals week #1:Stay True to the Gospel

Do you know what a gift it is to blog in these last two weeks of school! I can barely contain my excitement, predominately because it is being crushed by things I must get done or achieve.
Yet, in spite of all my doing and occasional achievements, the Lord has very clearly reminded me all week to stay true to the Gospel.
Between family gatherings for holidays, my lack of personal finances and preparing for finals- I'm so distracted! And quite honestly, hard presses to rejoice in Christ. I found myself pondering some "why me" questions and some "how much more must I tolerate" etc etc..
But why am I so surprised that i am not perfect or when I struggle when I KNOW my boast can only be in re cross of Jesus Christ?!
It most certainly won't be in my hospitality or generosity..I was so ready to just clean my kitchen and hide in my room after thanksgiving. It can't be in my awesome grades...because they aren't that awesome..yet...ha It wont be in my attitude or personality or life choices.
As I finished Galatians with my girls, the centrality of the gospel as paul's key to living really up-ed my urgency to see that be the case in my life these next two weeks especially! My constant aim and struggle!
You see, I am not married to my personality, but it is God-given! My only aim can be to enjoy life under the liberty of the gospel while praying praying praying that the gospel touches me so deeply that even my personality is cross-imprinted! I'm trusting Him for growth through difficulty and enrichment via daily struggle!
Stay true to the gospel! This is how I am defined!! Good news!
Hebrews 12:2
"looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

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Halloween

Halloween is in just a few days and while I am thoroughly enjoying my one bag of candy corn for the year and incredibly intrigued by fall crafts, which lets face it, are either leaves or spooky things in various shades of orange and other spiced colors-- I have felt conflicted in my celebration..
I've never been one to celebrate Halloween.. You wouldn't either if you were annually forced to watch "Hell's Best Kept Secrets" and/or have ever seen Nicolas Cage in the "Wicker Man" ( neither is recommended!!).
I am also just a chicken. I hate all things scary or dark. I much prefer happiness and bright colors in everything. For example, the years I worked at Knott's Halloween Haunt alone were enough to give me night meres for a while. And yes, that kid's movie "Percy Jackson" did, in fact, scare me.
The idea of adults in costumes concealing their real identity- super not cool..
However, cake walks.. Kids getting to dress up. Decorating with fake cob webs and glow in the dark everything while simultaneously eating all things pumpkin..I am totally a fan.
I guess, what it boils down to when I think about it is: How as should I as a Jesus-loving person approach the celebration of Halloween?  Is it a cope out to just call it "harvest" and celebrate everything else about the day identically? If I had kids, how would I go about explaining this to them..
After many years in the church and two years of Bible college, I am barely asking myself this..
 I've come to the simple conclusion that the best way to do this is to love the Gospel and share my love for it!
First, I believe that the ultimate celebration and comfort of every single day ( holiday or not) is and should always be Jesus.. Sound cheesy to you? Try it. Celebrate Jesus each day- His kenosis, sinless life that explained God Himself, His beautiful submission to the Father, His commission of the Church, His death that satisfied the wrath of God and reconciled a people who were irreconcilable, His glorious resurrection and ascension, His sending of the Spirit to comfort and guide His people while He prepares a place for us, the guarantee of His eminent return for His Bride...Celebrate these things, fix your eyes on Christ-- the Author and Finisher of our faith and then tell me its cheesy or silly. Because I promise that you'll find it altogether comforting, joy-inspiring and freeing.
How does this relate to October 31st specifically?
I don't have a magic halloween formula for this.
Live celebrating Jesus, being excited about Him! Don't run away from everyone or thing on Monday and pretend that the society of people laden with sin aren't going to be coming to your door. They desprately need Jesus as I do. They crave hope and purpose and love as I do- and I know the answer and I love Him..so why not proclaim Him?
I think that celebrating Jesus on Halloween is the answer. In this, we find love for trick-or-treaters rather than annoyance or spiritual pride. In this, we are challenged to see people as God does.
What an opportunity to have so many crafts and gifts and audiences to share your love for the gospel, to proclaim Jesus as worth celebrating each day of the year.

My challenge for you is to think what does this look like?
How will celebrating JESUS on Halloween change what I am/am not planning to do?

Here are someday ideas to spark these thoughts:
Here is an article on the origins of halloween ( in case you dont know :))
-Pumpkin Gospel
-more explaination on "pumpkin Gospel"
-John Piper on Halloween
-Pumpkin Patch Parable and craft
-a book that helps influence my thought on this is The Lightlings while it was written for Christmas Eve, I was personally encouraged to never fear darkness but rather proclaim the beauty of the light..

A Day In the Kitchen

Fun fact: I took a day off on Friday.
This day included me rising early, leisurely cleaning my house and then a morning trip to Costco with my dad. It was wonderous primarily because I knew I wasn't going to be whipping out my credit card at the end and also because it was empty rather than crowded. This equals a very happy Malia.
Upon returning home with a load of delectable goodness, I headed straight for the kitchen. It seemed I couldn't help but remain in the kitchen all day. Organizing pantries and shelves of pots and pans.. Everything went to its proper place while simultaneously making room for our new coffee maker! Hallelujah!
With all the ingredients to make magic, I couldn't help but cook. I made tri-tip kabobs and grilled corn on the cob, and yummy quinoa. And mini pumpkin pies and mini cheesecakes and a chicken pot pie and ribs (for the first time..yaay) and yams and curried tuna and so on.
Amidst all this tastefulness, I became incredibly aware of my deeply rooted rebellious nature!
Every time I looked at a recipe my instant thought was "that's dumb" or "why would you do that" or "I'm going to change that". Now believe me when I say that I am not qualified to change recipes. I should do my best to follow them perfectly and exactly. However, that's never quite been a huge concern of mine..
Granted, some things make logical sense when it calls for 3 sticks of butter, I will probably always reduce the amount simply because it is not healthy.
But I kid you not, I looked at the idea of curried tuna and instantly thought- "I can make that way better." (and I did heheh)
 The fact of the matter is, while I am not genuinely qualified to modify a set of instructions, I always do.
And while it translates visibly in my cooking and baking, it is only drawing attention to something much greater in my heart. I am shockingly rebellious.Depraved to the core and destined for failure far greater than spicier food or flat cookies.This need to question everything, instantly critique authority or do it all my own way is nothing new to my heart and certainly apparent in the world around us.
It makes me think of that song that says "when our hearts were far away, His love went further still".
It's only because Christ has made me alive (Ephesians 2), that this rebellious little girl can find delight in submission and obedience. It's only in Christ that my soul can rejoice, knowing that without His intervening grace my inherent character/morals/heart/entire being was rightfully destined for punitive wrath.
How much I need Jesus each day, each moment. How thankful I am that God uses things like cooking to remind me that I need Jesus and that He's enough.
I can't buy this until Christmas, but I began to read a snipet of my friend's copy and even with that small amount I feel confident recommending this to you..
A Meal with Jesus by Tim Chester..

Check it out and let the character of Christ and the universality of food further challenge your heart for the gospel!

Better than bread, meat or Moses!

This weekend I watched the Lord pour out an exceptional amount of grace on me to accomplish the differing tasks, ministries, events that were on my plate. Additionally, He continued to give grace in comforting my soul and reminding me of some very important truths.
I am also lucky for this, because today I had to teach in my homiletics class. Now... who likes to be in front of people? No one that I know really. So that aside, I really enjoy this class. I've feared it for quite some time. But the Lord shows up and encourages me and challenges me through my classmates each week. He also gives me insights to share with others. And today's sermon was born out of my own personal struggles and the things the Lord has comforted my soul with, so I thought I'd share a bit of what we talked about.
In Numbers 11, the children of Israel are wandering through the desert (still). They have passed out of Egypt via the Red Sea (amazing!), are being led by God via Moses (oh yeah, and a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire), are being fed manna from heaven and  have grumble-y, discontented hearts before the Lord and Moses.
Easy to judge, but I can only imagine that I who whines about weather in San Diego, would also have been right alongside them in the discontentment.
Between the problems and complaints in Numbers 11 and the actions and words of Christ in John 6 there is a beautiful thing that the Lord impressed upon my heart all weekend in each circumstance and all day today in my weaknesses. Jesus is better. What my discontented heart longs for- He is better.
In this passage, the three examples that jump out to me are 
1. Jesus is better than bread
2. He is better than meat
3. Jesus is better than Moses.
You may be thinking "duhhhhh! Malia", but I tell you this absolutely rocked me today!

In John 6, Jesus finishes feeding the 5,000 and then He walks on water...nbd. The crowd is looking for Jesus in verse 24 simply because they want another meal...they are looking for some bread.
Look at what Christ says in John 6:27-35:

Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." So they said to him, "Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform?  Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'" Jesus then said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." They said to him, "Sir, give us this bread always."
 Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

Aside from looking at this OT story and seeing that we ought not to complain lest God, in His fury, burn us up-- We ( me and you currently) can REJOICE because Christ offers Himself to us. He's the Bread of Life! He promises to satisfy our hunger!

But just like the discontentment over the manna in the wilderness, the Jews didn't understand that Messianic proclamation in John 6,  and in most instances neither do we. How often are we content to be discontent and unfulfilled because our affections are for ___________________..( uh..everything on all my Pinterest boards). My desires are misguided this leads to despair and really just missing out.
The complainers in Numbers 11 had strong cravings for meat.. Not this lame bread from heaven. They fondly recalled their days in Egypt and longed for anything and everything God wasn't giving them via manna.
In our human weakness, we will be tempted to despair. To crave other things(nearly any other thing) while Christ contrastsly calls us to feed on Him. John 6:56 says, "Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks of my blood abides in Me and I in him." Obviously, this is Spiritual.. and to me at least, this is most apparent in communion! What a blessing to take of communion and be humbled before the Lord... to be reminded of His body that was broken for me. Of His precious blood that was spilled out to atone for my sins! Of my positional holiness and right standing before the Father which is completely unearned. How beautiful to taste the juice and remember the taste of God's goodness on our lives. How incredible to even be able to come before Him with our sorry repentance and distracted affections.
Jesus is better than meat (or Pinterest). He's also a better Moses!
In Numbers 11:14-15, Moses is telling God of his inability to put up with these people a-gain! I empathize with how difficult it must have felt to be Moses in the wilderness, but he, as depicted here, is simply inadequate against their complaints and in later accusations, as a leader.
He can't handle their complaining any longer. He can't to bear their burderns.
Christ can! He's so much better! He can handle us in the midst of our sin and scoffing, and with grace. He can handle my sin, He knew the depths of my depravity before He took me on. You too.
He "endured the cross, despising the shame"
This is even bigger. It's not like He simply tolerates me and in His grace chose to overlook my sin. No.
My sins were laid on Him. "He became sin... that we might become the righteousness of God." Opposite of Moses who prayed to appease the consuming wrath of God, Jesus took the wrath. He took it on Himself. CRAZY!God's wrath is satisfied. Jesus Himself is the propitiation for our sins. Better than Moses...no kidding!
John summaraizes it well in John 1:16-17 " And from His fullness we have received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ."
There are and will continue to be thing/people/desires/thoughts that compete for our affections and cravings. Thing that we, in disillusionment, will think can solve all our problems. But the fact of the matter is all people, jobs, pets, friends will fail and disappoint us but Christ will only ever comfort, heal, restore, renew and woo you.
In every passage of the Bible and in every circumstance of life, we can look to Christ.
It just makes me want to sing!
May I encourage you that the Lord's hand is not shortened in your life. Where we are dissatisfied, we must seek Christ. In all areas we must remind ourselves and each other that Jesus is better.