the honest truth!

Since I've returned from Thailand it has been approximately 6 weeks. Statistically, after 6 weeks of being home  from a missions trip, your life returns to its previous standard..No traces of impact, no proofs of changed living. That is a statistic that I have been dreading and here I am at six weeks. I've begun blogging again, I've gotten a pedicure, picked back up my gym routine and study habits, stopped looking nightly to my Thailand pictures to try and remember the hopelessness of the people. So am I just another statistic?
That is a hard question. while every piece of me wants to say "NO!" the honest truth would call me into question. When I look at my consumer lifestyle am I deeply bothered? When I see my pedicured toes is that my end-all happiness? Do I still hurt for the lost and sick and dirty and needy?
Yeah..I do. Has my life virtually returned..it would seem so. The joyous news is that I am daily contemplating these things. I am questioning my motives, seeking a further love and passion for the Gospel and I am struggling...which as we've all been told- is a good thing because it evidences that I haven't just given up.
In some ways I feel like a bit of a failure because I wanted so badly to never even question if my time doing the Lord's work in Thailand would really change me. But here I am questioning...
I am comforted my three things in this struggle:

1. Only God can and does deeply change my life.. and He is faithful to complete the work He's begun in me. He is faithful to make us into the likeness of His image for the sake of His glory and as a witness to others.

2. I read this on my dear friend's facebook.. what timely news.

"Wherever you are, be all there...Let not the longings slay your appetite for living". -Jim Elliot

You see, this is what God continues to challenge me with. That He is sovereign, in control, He withholds no good thing and He has set good works before me to walk in them. So while my heart longs to be serving in Thailand, I musn't settle for trying to "help" God figure out my life.. but be ALL here, cause He is willing to use me. I know that can appear contradictory to the entire point of this post, however closeness to Him, complete trust in Him, devotion to His living and powerful Word...that's what will allow me to still hurt for the lost, still pray for Thailand and continue to be renewed each day. Basically, this is not what I thought it would look like..at all. But it is so sweet to trust in Jesus.

3. Lastly, I've begun to study through the Heidelberg catechism.. I know that is a huge word and the word catechism alone scares so many Christians. But by way of fact, it is the fifth most published and circulated classic after only the Bible,Paradise Lost, Pilgrim's Progress and Imitation of Christ.. All good reads!
It is a Q&A formatted, thought-provoking, biblically sound confession of  the faith that I find to be convicting, beautiful and so theologically rich. It is vintage faith in the truest sense.. and worth reading and studying through. Here is a link to the entire catechism with cross references :)
If you're not use to it's meatiness, I must reccommend Kevin De Young's "The Good News We Almost Forgot" which can serve as a study aid and devotional along side this catechism. You can buy that here!
That being said, I'll begin blogging through the different Lord's Days over the next couple months..so check in every once and a while for a good dose of Heidelberg!

ope youre enjoying you Sunday!

the children

What do I miss most about Thailand?
Yes, the kids. My dad says kids are cute everywhere..I mostly agree..

But let me tell you about some very special children that God graciously blessed me through/with in Thailand.

One of the best decisions I ever made in Thailand was to walk home from work down the lovely trail through the rice paddie... Each day children would meet me on the trail to play and walk home with me. Everyday was different. Some days they chased, some days they hid and popped up, some days they just wanted to hold my hand and match my strides...every day they melted my heart and showed me love so beautifully.

Language barriers? What are those! If you can smile, laugh, jump, or high five..you're in. If you have a camera or are down to play freeze games..you have new best friends!

I was happy to have all of those experiences and let the hill-tribe children rub off on me. Some days even very literally, that is most certainly where I caught my cold and it was most certainly worth it...

Aren't they beautiful??

On New Year's Eve, we got to celebrate Christmas with the Karen people..It was a school festivity and outreach geared for all my favorite little people. and in the meeting no matter how hard I tried not to make eye contact with Steve...He called me out to share.I wasn't initially excited...microphones, translation, mis-speaking, fear...But then I thought, will I ever have such an opportunity to present the Gospel with all these kids ever again? Not that I could be guarenteed..It is one thing to play regardless of language barriers but another to present saving faith with a language barrier..

I ended up being very very blessed to share about "the greatest present I've ever gotten" and was also blessed to be reminded of God's deep love and faithfulness to His people.

But above and beyond that, I continued to learn from the night.

Each kid in the school received a pink fleece hoodie.. they adored them. Literally.

I saw kids in the act of cherishing! They cuddled their hoodies, stared at them in awe, had smiles from ear to ear and were even more excited to put them on and brave the cold in their new fleece ( and for some..only fleece,ever)I am almost certain they loved their fleece more than I've ever loved anything or maybe even anyone.

It still didn't stop. As children in pink hoodies flooded me to cuddle and play, I found myself surround by some very familir faces of kids from my village that had been meeting me on the road each day and teaching me all sorts of fun games. Two little girls in particular. They sat on my lap, another leaned against me, another playing with my filthy hair.

It was basically like heaven for me. Here I was thinking that I was gonna come love on some kids and be an example of Christ and I am sitting there with this precious little Karen girl looking into my eyes and singing a soft song while she gently, and with more care than I've known, stroked my hair and held my hand.

I pray God never lets me forget these faces, but more importantly their urgent need for the Gospel.

For information on how to sponosor a village child and ensure that every kid has an opportunity to be educated visit here!

First Impressions

It's technically Wednesday at this point but on account of keeping my word..here is another piece of my trip for you to think about with me!
I had every intention of journaling every night I was in the village. But I failed. I did however successfully journal the first night.. Here it is:

Thailand is amazing! I have felt nothing but awe and love since the moment
I've landed. I can say with confidence that I am operating out of life and
peace. I am determined to not be the one constantly journaling or stuck behind
the camera but to be a sponge and soak in as many smells, and sights and smiles
and nature as possible. But here I am journaling my first night in the village.
I am succeeding at bug bites though, soaking in enough toxins there :)
So far working with a giant team can be crazy. Re- organizing bags in
hallways, completely taking over the hotel lobby, shoving people into the backs
of trucks. Someone is basically always not feeling well and/or I've lost my
battle buddy. I am thankful for patiene and organization:)
I am blessed with a team that feels like family though. I've known most of
them less than three days and I love them.
And the country itself is just gorgeous. The hills of the North seem almost
untouched except for the occasional Wat or rice paddie. Rolling hills, deep
jungle meadows, randoms streams and trees everywhere. I love to see so much
green and with leaves of every type imaginable it seems.
The truck ride was epic for me. And from what I saw and what was said it
was the easiest truck ride yet. We were in a toyota truck that at first glance
is quite dinky. 6 of us in the bed of the truck, 5 in the cab. No personal
space, LOTS of laughs and getting to know people.
amazing amazing amazing.

At that point, my hut momma turned the lights off and I had no idea where my flashlight was so I quickly wrote some bullet points that are fondly revitalizing the ride and the things it taught me. strange, i know, but let me keep painting you the picture.
Notice that I journaled that the trucks seemed dinky at first glance, but they really are amusing and amazing trucks with breaks and suspension that I am so thankful for. SO it was approximately an 8 hour drive to the village from Chaing Mai. we stopped at a gas station, and again in Om Koi to eat delicious lunch. Let's talk about windblown hair..and chapped lips, try chapped face. ha it was neat though. that was just the portion on the super freeway. which is basically nothing once you get over the whole no seat belt and can't see where I'm going thing..
You basically wind through forrests of Teek and other amazing senery where monks bless the trees visible by dimly orange fabric drapped in no particular order..
Eventually you get to the dirt roads, or rather the less paved roads. At this point I switched with someone who was dying to sit outside and I sat shotgun, yes, on the left side of the truck. I cringed almost continually as we raced right along pot holes and cows and the drive didn't flinch.
For reals though, there were portions of the road where I was sure our 70 mph pace wasn't conducive to keeping the kids in the back safe. but our driver was (is) the most amazing person alive, successfully avoiding all perilous plunges into the jungle, all stubborn cows, all pot holes- like seven at a time. Yikes.
I switched back to the truck bed to continue the deeper section into the jungle..the actually dirt road. This was a much rougher road, but like I said before it was in the best conditon any previous team member or staff could recall.. I have bruises and blurry pictures from this section of road..and I loved every single moment of it.
I came to the conclusion that I much preferred sitting in the back of the truck, bouncing around, feeling the wind, soaking in the beauty and conversing with my teammates. I understand that's not for everyone but seeing the road and it's obstacles stressed me out BIG time and I wasn't even driving.
Here is what I learned from that section of the journey that God continued to bring to mind even til now. The idea of being where I am at 100%, being along for the ride..enjoying where I am vs. stressing out over what is coming or how it gets done.
At any rate, God is the driver in my life, pardon the cliche. My choice here was shotgun or passenger..both can be great! in shotgun I loved getting to know my driver. as a passenger in back I didn't ever have a thought that our driver couldn't handle the road. I trusted him with my life..we didn't speak the same language, I had never met him, I didn't know His character but I got in the truck and enjoyed every moment completely oblivious to the "risk" or possibility of him being an unskilled driver. In retrospect, I am impressed that I wasn't going all control-freak on him..good judgement call because he turns out to be the most skilled driver, the sweetest, most genuine man that I met in Thailand-who better to trust with my trek.
This comparison, my current choice is the same but nto physical every time. I don't physically need to get into the truck and fear pot holes or enjoy scenery, in this comparison the driver isn't a short guy that I can't communicate with.
Here I am choosing ( and regularly) to trust God to make my life beautiful and fulfilling and God-honoring or I am choosing to freak out, stress out, fear the planning and the directions and the skill of God's control. Well, doesn't that sound ridiculous?
Jet is great and amazing ( you'll hear alot more about him) but isn't God the MOST trustworthy?
Hasn't His past faithfulness to lead me and guide me proved enough for me currently trust in His future and hope for me?
the ride will always be epic when we have a Good Driver and we trust Him, of this I am certain.

My Trip to Thailand

Because I am still processing and relishing in it all..I will blog everday this week about something particular from my Thailand trip from over break. That is really the only way that I can think to share its joys with you-little by little.


Let's start with this: THANK YOU so much for your financial support and most importantly for your faithful prayers and intercessions.. who even knows how it would have been but for the grace of God and His delight in the prayers of the saints! I am truly thankful for such missions-minded and quick-to-prayer friends!


So I finally arrived to my house at 130am today after two longs flights and a lovely drive from LAX which spanned approximately an entire day in three to five different time zones.. ha!


I was anxious to begin pouring my heart out in blogs but in light of classes starting today, I went to sleep instead.


This trip was far different than any other short term missions trip I've been privelged to go on.


I had no idea what to expect, I felt exceptionally unprepared and unqualified and tired. and I couldn't figure out in the slightest what God was gonna show me through the trip but I trusted Him to work in me to the degree that I was yielded to Him so that's just what I prayed which oddly enough, only further cemented the feeling that I really didn't know what I was getting myself into but that it would be distinctly beautiful and molded by God's hands!

And it was!

The truth is, God did more in me than I can get across to you. and more in my own heart than through physical or measureable labor. I love how we always think we're gonna go "serve and bless others" and while we may do that in part, God is completely faithful to use others in our lives and bless us and teach us and grow us.


There are two major themes and things that God worked out in me that I wanna share with you. The first is the soldification of the idea that "without love I am nothing". I got to share this with some people before I left but God was quick to remind me of it each day of the trip. Without love, my most scholarly answer to a team member can be the farthest thing from encouraging. Without love, any medical help or care provided is in vain, without love I can cuddle and play with children all day long and it won't mean a thing. I was really blessed to be on a team with amazing people who were like-minded in this. How special to grow in truth and deepen in love for Christ alongside such a group of people.

Love must be present in service, in presenting the Truth, in friendships and all kinds of things...without it I am like a clanging cymbal, a noise maker rather than music.



The second thing God deeply challenged and encouraged me with was the priority of the Gospel in my life. He cemeted the Gospel as my only unshakeable Hope and Joy and showed me the importance of it.. As I shared His love with others in word and in deed, He more deeply punctured my heart with thankfulness with the Gospel. He more vividly painted the picture of my need for it moment to moment. He should me the treasure of being centered on it and making it my primary aim. When the Gospel is literally the center of my life- on my mind, on my heart, on my tongue, in my doing and receiving, He is glorified..I am secure. There is contentment, deeper joy, solid hope. hmmm, I don't know how to get across the severity of this concept, it seems so simple but it profoundly changed my life ( and continues to!)

Being Gospel-centered is the only answer. It allows you to cherish Christ continually, it doesn't put the weight on your ability to "produce" in ministry or missions. It makes you sound. I don't fall apart when I leave my missions team that I've become so close with. I don't come back to the states and hate being American, like I've experienced on previous trips. It doesn't produce a temporary guilt or sorrow for the poor and the lost. It doesn't distract me from the other things God places in front of me.

Even more practically speaking, it allows me to leave the beautiful Karen in the hills of Thailand to jump into 21 units in the armpit of San Diego and still have confidene in Christ. Still have unspeakable joy and unshakeable hope. Because missions isn't my primary aim- the Gospel is. Let's clarify this.. When missions, or what I can take away from short term missions (at this point) is my goal coming back stinks. It's tragic and depressing, it hurts. and it doesnt produce a lasting change of mind or heart or living. When the Gospel is the center, I come back to continually confront sin in my life like materialism, vainity,social injustice, complacency, apathy etc. There is hope and restoration, I live in grace. I seek continually to minister reconciliation. I don't grow weary, I don't become unchanged, I don't forget.

That is the lasting work.. a true change, a deeper love. That doesn't necessarily mean I believe every American should sell everything they have and move to PNG. But every Christian should watch the Gospel stand on its own and fight in their lives. Every Christian should be rooted in love for Christ rather than for even His people and their needs. It means living where I am at, being completely where He has placed me is beautiful, significant, God-honoring. and perhaps that will include PNG or Thailand or South America or Tibet.. But it most certainly includes every single day of living.

I don't know if that makes sense to you. Ask me about it. Or try this, pray that God would give you a deep,uncomparable love for the Gospel. Ask Him to show you what it means practically to LIVE centered on the Gospel. Ask God for a passion for the Gospel that trumps your passion for anything else- education, work, status, marriage, possesions etc.
That's a challenge for you and for me..
This is so long already.. more tomorrow!