GUTS!

Sometimes I have really dumb ideas :)
Like taking intro to music theory for fun..
Or studying at a coffee shop that doesn't have air conditioning..
Or wearing my shirt inside out without noticing.
Sometimes all of those things and more align in one muggy Wednesday night and remind me that Ramona Quimby has nothing on me!
Hi, I'm a whiny 25 year old experiencing first world problems..welcome to my life. Ok I'm done..reminding myself of truth and getting back to work.

Psalm 19:7-11
"The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the LORD are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. "
Praying that this would be my heart continually. That I'd long for His Word and acceptance more than any good grade or commendation or friendship.

Better than bread, meat or Moses!

This weekend I watched the Lord pour out an exceptional amount of grace on me to accomplish the differing tasks, ministries, events that were on my plate. Additionally, He continued to give grace in comforting my soul and reminding me of some very important truths.
I am also lucky for this, because today I had to teach in my homiletics class. Now... who likes to be in front of people? No one that I know really. So that aside, I really enjoy this class. I've feared it for quite some time. But the Lord shows up and encourages me and challenges me through my classmates each week. He also gives me insights to share with others. And today's sermon was born out of my own personal struggles and the things the Lord has comforted my soul with, so I thought I'd share a bit of what we talked about.
In Numbers 11, the children of Israel are wandering through the desert (still). They have passed out of Egypt via the Red Sea (amazing!), are being led by God via Moses (oh yeah, and a pillar of cloud and a pillar of fire), are being fed manna from heaven and  have grumble-y, discontented hearts before the Lord and Moses.
Easy to judge, but I can only imagine that I who whines about weather in San Diego, would also have been right alongside them in the discontentment.
Between the problems and complaints in Numbers 11 and the actions and words of Christ in John 6 there is a beautiful thing that the Lord impressed upon my heart all weekend in each circumstance and all day today in my weaknesses. Jesus is better. What my discontented heart longs for- He is better.
In this passage, the three examples that jump out to me are 
1. Jesus is better than bread
2. He is better than meat
3. Jesus is better than Moses.
You may be thinking "duhhhhh! Malia", but I tell you this absolutely rocked me today!

In John 6, Jesus finishes feeding the 5,000 and then He walks on water...nbd. The crowd is looking for Jesus in verse 24 simply because they want another meal...they are looking for some bread.
Look at what Christ says in John 6:27-35:

Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." So they said to him, "Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform?  Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'" Jesus then said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." They said to him, "Sir, give us this bread always."
 Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

Aside from looking at this OT story and seeing that we ought not to complain lest God, in His fury, burn us up-- We ( me and you currently) can REJOICE because Christ offers Himself to us. He's the Bread of Life! He promises to satisfy our hunger!

But just like the discontentment over the manna in the wilderness, the Jews didn't understand that Messianic proclamation in John 6,  and in most instances neither do we. How often are we content to be discontent and unfulfilled because our affections are for ___________________..( uh..everything on all my Pinterest boards). My desires are misguided this leads to despair and really just missing out.
The complainers in Numbers 11 had strong cravings for meat.. Not this lame bread from heaven. They fondly recalled their days in Egypt and longed for anything and everything God wasn't giving them via manna.
In our human weakness, we will be tempted to despair. To crave other things(nearly any other thing) while Christ contrastsly calls us to feed on Him. John 6:56 says, "Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks of my blood abides in Me and I in him." Obviously, this is Spiritual.. and to me at least, this is most apparent in communion! What a blessing to take of communion and be humbled before the Lord... to be reminded of His body that was broken for me. Of His precious blood that was spilled out to atone for my sins! Of my positional holiness and right standing before the Father which is completely unearned. How beautiful to taste the juice and remember the taste of God's goodness on our lives. How incredible to even be able to come before Him with our sorry repentance and distracted affections.
Jesus is better than meat (or Pinterest). He's also a better Moses!
In Numbers 11:14-15, Moses is telling God of his inability to put up with these people a-gain! I empathize with how difficult it must have felt to be Moses in the wilderness, but he, as depicted here, is simply inadequate against their complaints and in later accusations, as a leader.
He can't handle their complaining any longer. He can't to bear their burderns.
Christ can! He's so much better! He can handle us in the midst of our sin and scoffing, and with grace. He can handle my sin, He knew the depths of my depravity before He took me on. You too.
He "endured the cross, despising the shame"
This is even bigger. It's not like He simply tolerates me and in His grace chose to overlook my sin. No.
My sins were laid on Him. "He became sin... that we might become the righteousness of God." Opposite of Moses who prayed to appease the consuming wrath of God, Jesus took the wrath. He took it on Himself. CRAZY!God's wrath is satisfied. Jesus Himself is the propitiation for our sins. Better than Moses...no kidding!
John summaraizes it well in John 1:16-17 " And from His fullness we have received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ."
There are and will continue to be thing/people/desires/thoughts that compete for our affections and cravings. Thing that we, in disillusionment, will think can solve all our problems. But the fact of the matter is all people, jobs, pets, friends will fail and disappoint us but Christ will only ever comfort, heal, restore, renew and woo you.
In every passage of the Bible and in every circumstance of life, we can look to Christ.
It just makes me want to sing!
May I encourage you that the Lord's hand is not shortened in your life. Where we are dissatisfied, we must seek Christ. In all areas we must remind ourselves and each other that Jesus is better.

School Troubles

I could just cry! I feel so confused and disillusioned.
I just wanted to become a better human being and help others.And all a long, the Lord most certainly has been faithful to grow me, stretch me and use me. And then I come to these walls and here I am freaking out! The fact that I freak out might actually be more frustrating.
"What are you talking about?", you ask... The answer: Biochemistry... it looms over me and waits til I'm down to kick me repeatedly and aggressively.

I am more and more aware of how stupid I am every time I go to class. I just don't get it. It makes me angry, because I really wish I did. I really wish I understood the Vmax of the Mk of the enzyme inhibitors but I don't even know how to calculate the Vmax.. Actually, I didn't even know enzymes had velocity.
And outside of feeling irreversibly dumb, incompetent and overall like a big failure on a regular basis, the fact is I have to pass this class with a C or I do not get my Biology minor which I have tortured myself working for the last 4 years.
Now here I am questioning my entire life. What was I thinking? Maybe I am not cut out to be a college student or a nurse. What am I doing? Am I wasting my life? Why couldn't I have just gone to school to be a teacher or been naturally talented to do some vocation that's awesome..
On the other hand, doesn't that mostly mean I am asking God if He really knows what He's doing? And if He really is in control of this and if He actually hates me?
That's certainly not my place! I am such a mess. I need a hug and a lot more of Jesus and probably a really patient and smart biochemistry tutor since my first test is a week from today.
I know not everything is smooth sailing. I know this semester is a ridiculously minuscule percentage of life.  And I know God is in control and He loves me even though I fail in many levels and areas.
...what to do now...

Back to School

As of 8am tomorrow, I will have finished my first official week of classes for this last official semester of mine. There is just no joking around this semester.. I have weird classes and a weird schedule and though I have no intention of quitting I am mentally preparing myself for another long semester of stress.
College never gets old..it's fun and amusing and I love to learn! Though, I will say that it does get exhausting.. and not yet at the one week mark, I am genuinely exhausted. I guess going from 8 am wake ups to watch the world's cutest baby to 530 am wake ups to commute is contributing. (The amount of money I've spent on gas alone in the last week is tiresome) but let's not forget the coveted piece of paper and rite of passage I will have earned in four months or so!
here's a little sampling for you:
(from my 8am statistics class)
Prof: "The problems were about to do are identical to your homework problems 37-42...[long pause] except I changed all the numbers"
Hmmm, I believe that makes them entirely different problems...dare I say, not identical :)
Nonetheless, I've decided even with my great disdain for mathematics, I will succeed at Stats because it is simply putting numbers where they belong in an orderly and varying fashion to make the most possible sense of them! I can handle that and even appreciate it. I like order. Also my prof really is the sweetest old guy!

Here's one of my other personal faves.. from my Biochemistry class that I am truly unqualified to be in...
Prof:
So there's two Hydrogens walking down the street.
One says to the other " I think I lost an electron"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"Yep, I'm Positive!"

oh yeah.. that all happened today and it's only lunch time (or coffee time)!

Thankfully, the Lord has been reminding me (and challenging me) that Christ came FULL of grace& truth (John 1:14).
He has grace for this sarcastic, underachiever
and He's calling me to show that same grace to those around me....
even when I feel underqualified, stressed out and ready to shout "GUTS!" at the top of my lungs..

Remembering Wednesday

Today I turned in my last paper of the semester! :)
But the real highlight was Wednesday morning when I completed my capstone evaluation. This is genuinely something I have feared since I heard about it a year or so ago! Silly me. It really wasn't bad.
In fact, it went extraordinarily well. I love Theology and I love to talk about Christ and I was so blessed to start my Wednesday morning that.
It was really yet another capsulated reminder that God, the Creator of the universe, is at work in me. That He is absolutely faithful to complete what He has begun in me, regardless of my weaknesses or failings..
It felt like a milestone at the time.. Now it just feels like another Wednesday morning, but it was a Wednesday morning that God used to grow me and deepen my love for Him.. and that's a Wednesday worth remembering!

In writing my last and final paper on John Owen...I came across this quote that I thoroughly love regarding the need for Theology to drive our practical living...I hope you enjoy it!

"When the heart is cast indeed into the mold of the doctrine that the mind embraceth,

when the evidence and necessity of the truth abides in us,

when not the sense of the words only is in our heads,

but the sense of the thing abides in our hearts,

when we have communion with God in the doctrine we contend for--

then shall we be garrisoned by the grace of God against all the assaults of men."

-John Owen

Joy

I have three quick thoughts.
1. How blessed am I that my hardest final was to right an in class essay on the theological content within the Passion Week of Christ? I basically spent two hours writing about the foreshadowing and importance of the Gospel and praising God.
2. It's officially Christmas break! & I leave for Thailand in 11 days.
3. Last thought. I pray God allows more of this in my life:




I made the kids run some errand with me last week on the way to their house from day care and I come back to unbuckle Mason and he has my giant ESV study Bible spanning his lap and then some as he contently pretends he can read/understand the words:) He looks at me and says, "Miss Malia I like your Bible-book. Where is my house on this map of I...Is. rrr..Uh how come my friend Austin's Bible-book doesn't have a map in it?"

Thank you, Jesus for school, for Christmas, & for children. But most importantly, thank You for submitting to the Father in Gethsemane and fulfilling the law and the prophets perfectly on the cross that I might gain relationship at the cost of Your suffering.

flustered future, and pre-trib rapture prayers...

I have a lot of really cute, well- articulated thoughts written out in a pepto-pink moleskin just dying to be transferred to this blog.I do. but let's forget my writing ability and valuable life lessons in the mundane and be real for a second..
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?
Am I called to a life in ministry? Do I want to pursue missions as a career?
Am I really suppose to actually revolve a life plan around the mere hope of a spouse and kids and adorable house with cute door knobs? or is that just baggage at this point?
What degree of what I "want" or have "desire" for actually matters within the scope of "living in the will of God".
Is it right to assume that ministry, or "that standard of the impoverished missionary" as my dad would call it, is what God's calling me to?
Is it biblically okay to assume that I am called to anything other than missions?
Could I be happy with just a job to pay the bills? When someone tells you "you're called to more than that" what the heck does that mean?
If I am presenting my life as a sacrifice of adoration to God while I work at Taco Bell and really just hope to pay rent is that actually less godly than being a poor pastor's wife just hoping to pay rent?
Is it even less godly to be a wealthy Christian serving Christ and making bank?

There is a horrible imbalance in thoughts of what kinds of careers are godly and spiritual(or what that even means). There's an even more horrible pull on my life in both directions when really I don't care weather I am in Tibet or making 40 grand here as a nurse or being a wife and a mother that disciples and loves and is frumpy as ever!I want all of those. and at the same time, I want NONE of those because I am not convinced that anyone one of those directions alone is satisfying, cause ultimately I know I can only be satisfied by Christ. Not a noble cause, or a great career,especially not a lot of money, or even a family.
It's so easy to sit in classes and soak in knowledge and DREAM of the possibilities.
But what do I actually do? What do I put my hands to? When do I walk away from some dreams? Where do I apply?
ya and I dont even know if I am 100% convinced of a pre-trib rapture anymore, but I am currently (and very selfishly) praying for one at this exact moment.
Any suggestions?

Advice is welcome, scripture is encouraged and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Rainy Days and Monday

-That's originally a song, also an adorable fabric that I'd like to purchase, but it was almost exactly TODAY!
I always say that God daily reminds me that He never give me more than I can handle. Today was another of that type. I realized though, that Mondays energize me because they contain so much of what I love and of what I'm called to that it's difficult to deny God's abundant grace on the day!

Today I bought a Francis Shaeffer book on evangelicalism for 10 cents. it almost seemed wrong, but I was/am very thankful for book sales!
I also got to teach m high school kids tonight on spiritual growth and sanctification. It was fun and I realized that I love it. I LOVE small group teaching. I dont know what to do with that, but I hope they were challenged. I was. I need to absolutely be in prayer for my kiddos!

However the real highlight of this rainy Monday is that my dear friend Callista had her precious baby girl today!10/04/2010 -- 9lbs, 13 ounces!
Welcome to the world Nahla Rose, we're sooooo excited you've finally come!

Axiom

In one of my less appreciated classes we are required to read an ungodly amount of leadership proverbs. My mind inevitably wanders every time I endeavor to read this book. I once compared the book to reading someone's blog. However, I can think of tons of people whose blog I would rather read! It made me appreciate the idea of a blog even more.
conciseness +deeply relevant material = joyful reading!
It made me think...

Is less more?

classic.


Maybe it is...


Maybe it isn't...

Procrastination

It is silent...except for the white noise of the vent blowing air around inside itself, the one bird that must be buildings away because I hear him only ever so faintly and, well, the sound of my fingers click-clacking the keys. Tea is warmly running down my throat, my clothes are neatly laid out before me and the prospect of a Genetics exam looms phenotypically before every inch of my mind. It's Tuesday morning. But it is no ordinary Tuesday morning. It's EARLY Tuesday morning and I've already been awake for an hour... It's the kind of early that is beautiful with your eyes closed or hypothetically if you were waking up to this crisp morning on a yacht in the south of France.
For now, it is the kind of morning that shows that I went to bed without my life in order. That I couldn't pull myself together enough last night to do what I "could" do in the morning...
Each strike of these keys is a sound of disdain for my procrastination.

Good morning, Tuesday...

Anatomically correct..

I am in biology, perhaps not the best blogging ethics to be posting while in class.. Oh well.
We are doing an Anatomy overview unit which is funny only because I have already taken a semester and a half of straight in depth anatomy. Not to mention three semesters of pre-medical training.. it makes this section pleasant and allows me to reminisce on all the fond study groups, late night cramming and great people that I've encountered thus far in my college career.
I would have to say that the people I am currently surrounded by, including my not limited to the folks in this specific class, are some of the most greatly influential and incredible people I've known so far in life.
While at community college, hate to add to the sterotype, but.. quality and memorable people were few and far between. But in both my EMT program and CNA class I met some awesome and motivated people who taught me to study and go after things when I really want them. They learned alongside me in challenging situations with nothing but hope for our careers and laughs to get us through. Those were really good times. I learned a ton, that to this day I get to use and re study..
On top of that, the people I have met while in college in a non-academic setting: people in ministries, strangers, kindred spirits, teachers and new friends. God is good to keep me always surrounded by people I can learn from, get to know better and provoke to love and good works.
It just goes to show how God knows entirely what we need. Beyond that He faithfully provides me these instances and people even when I am faithless or longing in other directions. His intentional goodness toward me and His refreshing mercies upon my soul put me in nothing less than shock and awe. I love it!

This reminds me of this one time in peru...
Okay now!

YOU are Captivating.

You are Captivating. That's basically the jest I am getting from this book thus far. But let's be honest. Really honest, because you really don't have to read this. Last night I had the choice to watch Planet Earth or read this book, and I most def chose Planet Earth. So I got as far as the introduction. But I feel like that's as good a place as any to start.

"The mystery of the feminine heart was meant to be a good thing, by the way. A source of joy. Yet it has become a source of shame- women almost universally feel that they are 'too much' and ' not what they should be'."

I am the kind of person that really likes to question blanket statements, even though I believe most of us are the rule and not the exception. Do I really feel that I am "too much" or "not enough"? I will be the first to admit that I think rather highly of myself in most circumstances. But let me tell you about a time when I did not.
Two days ago, in my blissful Marriage&Family Class, we watched this great (sike!) movie on the Song of Solomon..it was detailed and....intimate. Post-viewing we were asked, as a class, to list out some defining attributes of Men Vs. Women. The majority of the class is male and so defining femininity obviously came first. It went something like this:

• 
  

• clothes
• shopping
• whining
  
• feelings
• crying
  
• can't make decisions
• moody

Now, here I am..confidently sitting with two of my girlfriends in awe of this awful list. However, none of us weighed in at all. I had nothing to say. Amongst ourselves we asked "Are we really that pathetic?" We answered with a resounding "NO!" that faded into a "yeah, kinda.."
The point is..we do all those things. Spend and speak too much, feel too much, are TOO MUCH. And we acknowledged those then and there and left the classroom feeling absolutely pathetic.
In hindsight, it is obvious that that list is not completely accurate though infused with truth.
The fact of the matter is that we are a many great things, a many depraved things, even. We are human. And to a degree, the deep sections of a woman's soul and also her habits can be "too much" and make them, I would dare to say more than males, feel that they aren't what they should be.
But who, in either gender, really is? We are all His workmanship, progressively being conformed to the image of Christ with a promise of faithfulness on the part of our Creator and the hope of glorification in our heavenly home. That is the culmination of our fallen state and the part that provides hope.
More on a women's soul is coming...but for now,if you think you're pathetic or limited to a silly, list, you think you're "too much" or "not enough" or not what you ought to be..
Rest assured & soak in some truth:

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139:13-24