the children

What do I miss most about Thailand?
Yes, the kids. My dad says kids are cute everywhere..I mostly agree..

But let me tell you about some very special children that God graciously blessed me through/with in Thailand.

One of the best decisions I ever made in Thailand was to walk home from work down the lovely trail through the rice paddie... Each day children would meet me on the trail to play and walk home with me. Everyday was different. Some days they chased, some days they hid and popped up, some days they just wanted to hold my hand and match my strides...every day they melted my heart and showed me love so beautifully.

Language barriers? What are those! If you can smile, laugh, jump, or high five..you're in. If you have a camera or are down to play freeze games..you have new best friends!

I was happy to have all of those experiences and let the hill-tribe children rub off on me. Some days even very literally, that is most certainly where I caught my cold and it was most certainly worth it...

Aren't they beautiful??

On New Year's Eve, we got to celebrate Christmas with the Karen people..It was a school festivity and outreach geared for all my favorite little people. and in the meeting no matter how hard I tried not to make eye contact with Steve...He called me out to share.I wasn't initially excited...microphones, translation, mis-speaking, fear...But then I thought, will I ever have such an opportunity to present the Gospel with all these kids ever again? Not that I could be guarenteed..It is one thing to play regardless of language barriers but another to present saving faith with a language barrier..

I ended up being very very blessed to share about "the greatest present I've ever gotten" and was also blessed to be reminded of God's deep love and faithfulness to His people.

But above and beyond that, I continued to learn from the night.

Each kid in the school received a pink fleece hoodie.. they adored them. Literally.

I saw kids in the act of cherishing! They cuddled their hoodies, stared at them in awe, had smiles from ear to ear and were even more excited to put them on and brave the cold in their new fleece ( and for some..only fleece,ever)I am almost certain they loved their fleece more than I've ever loved anything or maybe even anyone.

It still didn't stop. As children in pink hoodies flooded me to cuddle and play, I found myself surround by some very familir faces of kids from my village that had been meeting me on the road each day and teaching me all sorts of fun games. Two little girls in particular. They sat on my lap, another leaned against me, another playing with my filthy hair.

It was basically like heaven for me. Here I was thinking that I was gonna come love on some kids and be an example of Christ and I am sitting there with this precious little Karen girl looking into my eyes and singing a soft song while she gently, and with more care than I've known, stroked my hair and held my hand.

I pray God never lets me forget these faces, but more importantly their urgent need for the Gospel.

For information on how to sponosor a village child and ensure that every kid has an opportunity to be educated visit here!

My Trip to Thailand

Because I am still processing and relishing in it all..I will blog everday this week about something particular from my Thailand trip from over break. That is really the only way that I can think to share its joys with you-little by little.


Let's start with this: THANK YOU so much for your financial support and most importantly for your faithful prayers and intercessions.. who even knows how it would have been but for the grace of God and His delight in the prayers of the saints! I am truly thankful for such missions-minded and quick-to-prayer friends!


So I finally arrived to my house at 130am today after two longs flights and a lovely drive from LAX which spanned approximately an entire day in three to five different time zones.. ha!


I was anxious to begin pouring my heart out in blogs but in light of classes starting today, I went to sleep instead.


This trip was far different than any other short term missions trip I've been privelged to go on.


I had no idea what to expect, I felt exceptionally unprepared and unqualified and tired. and I couldn't figure out in the slightest what God was gonna show me through the trip but I trusted Him to work in me to the degree that I was yielded to Him so that's just what I prayed which oddly enough, only further cemented the feeling that I really didn't know what I was getting myself into but that it would be distinctly beautiful and molded by God's hands!

And it was!

The truth is, God did more in me than I can get across to you. and more in my own heart than through physical or measureable labor. I love how we always think we're gonna go "serve and bless others" and while we may do that in part, God is completely faithful to use others in our lives and bless us and teach us and grow us.


There are two major themes and things that God worked out in me that I wanna share with you. The first is the soldification of the idea that "without love I am nothing". I got to share this with some people before I left but God was quick to remind me of it each day of the trip. Without love, my most scholarly answer to a team member can be the farthest thing from encouraging. Without love, any medical help or care provided is in vain, without love I can cuddle and play with children all day long and it won't mean a thing. I was really blessed to be on a team with amazing people who were like-minded in this. How special to grow in truth and deepen in love for Christ alongside such a group of people.

Love must be present in service, in presenting the Truth, in friendships and all kinds of things...without it I am like a clanging cymbal, a noise maker rather than music.



The second thing God deeply challenged and encouraged me with was the priority of the Gospel in my life. He cemeted the Gospel as my only unshakeable Hope and Joy and showed me the importance of it.. As I shared His love with others in word and in deed, He more deeply punctured my heart with thankfulness with the Gospel. He more vividly painted the picture of my need for it moment to moment. He should me the treasure of being centered on it and making it my primary aim. When the Gospel is literally the center of my life- on my mind, on my heart, on my tongue, in my doing and receiving, He is glorified..I am secure. There is contentment, deeper joy, solid hope. hmmm, I don't know how to get across the severity of this concept, it seems so simple but it profoundly changed my life ( and continues to!)

Being Gospel-centered is the only answer. It allows you to cherish Christ continually, it doesn't put the weight on your ability to "produce" in ministry or missions. It makes you sound. I don't fall apart when I leave my missions team that I've become so close with. I don't come back to the states and hate being American, like I've experienced on previous trips. It doesn't produce a temporary guilt or sorrow for the poor and the lost. It doesn't distract me from the other things God places in front of me.

Even more practically speaking, it allows me to leave the beautiful Karen in the hills of Thailand to jump into 21 units in the armpit of San Diego and still have confidene in Christ. Still have unspeakable joy and unshakeable hope. Because missions isn't my primary aim- the Gospel is. Let's clarify this.. When missions, or what I can take away from short term missions (at this point) is my goal coming back stinks. It's tragic and depressing, it hurts. and it doesnt produce a lasting change of mind or heart or living. When the Gospel is the center, I come back to continually confront sin in my life like materialism, vainity,social injustice, complacency, apathy etc. There is hope and restoration, I live in grace. I seek continually to minister reconciliation. I don't grow weary, I don't become unchanged, I don't forget.

That is the lasting work.. a true change, a deeper love. That doesn't necessarily mean I believe every American should sell everything they have and move to PNG. But every Christian should watch the Gospel stand on its own and fight in their lives. Every Christian should be rooted in love for Christ rather than for even His people and their needs. It means living where I am at, being completely where He has placed me is beautiful, significant, God-honoring. and perhaps that will include PNG or Thailand or South America or Tibet.. But it most certainly includes every single day of living.

I don't know if that makes sense to you. Ask me about it. Or try this, pray that God would give you a deep,uncomparable love for the Gospel. Ask Him to show you what it means practically to LIVE centered on the Gospel. Ask God for a passion for the Gospel that trumps your passion for anything else- education, work, status, marriage, possesions etc.
That's a challenge for you and for me..
This is so long already.. more tomorrow!

Calling Clairity...

I started reading "Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret" by Dr.&Mrs.Howard Taylor..
I love each and every page more and more. And I recommend that every believer reads it. It's available to read online here!
I feel that James Hudson Taylor and I would have been very best friends if we had been alive at the same time. What a man of faith!
There are whole pages where I feel like the author is writing my thoughts but better than I think them, but lo and behold they're someone elses thoughts entirely!
I guess one of the things God is encouraging me about through this biography is the preciousness of faith.
I am a quirky person, that's a given, but I often feel singular in my pursuit of knowing Christ..But singular is the wrong word, unique is the correct term and blessed is holding it's hand. The things God challenges me with and puts on my heart that allow me to know His heart, take up His burdens, look at people how He sees them and truly be loving are unique, but are very precious.
So I often wonder what God's long term plan for me looks like. If it's missions, if it's motherhood or nursing or what have you. and I wondered if the great cloud of witnesses that have gone before me ever felt as I feel and wondered as I wonder.
It is no coincidence that God has me studying through Joshua's Life and Abraham's life as well as Hudson Taylor's!
Joshua's life has taught me the importance of receiving a battle plan from the Lord and being in tune with the Commander of the Lord's army that I would know when sin is present.Like that of the dealing with Achan and his family. What a pity that Joshua lost men at Ai because he had not waited on the Lord to find out about the sin tainting the camp! That I'd know when He wants me to advance or yield. Even with run in's like Joshua had with the Gibbeonites!Joshua and the people did not ask counsel from the Lord (Josh 9:14) and they made a covenant in the Name of God and were totally duped by their lovely neighbors and had to go to battle for them. Even in this failure, Israel under Joshua's command defended this covenant and God was with them. God made the sun to stand still and all the enemies of His people (and now Gibeon too) to pay. And that I too would follow the admonition to be strong and courageous and MEDITATE on the Word.(Joshua 1:8)

Abraham's call, obedience, and even failures have shown me so much about faith. His call was less clear than Joshua's,in my own opinion. There wasn't an definitive end goal in sight like the Promise Land was for Joshua. But God gave him a SURE call to get up and go. And Abraham obeyed initially and was delayed and weighed down by poor choices and family. He showed great "faith failure" moments too like when he has his beautiful wife lie about her relation to him because of his irrational fear that Pharaoh would want her as his own. and didn't that backfire on him? Yet his faith was accounted to him as righteousness. He is the father of faith! What a call and promise he received and passed on.God has challenged me in my fears. Are they any different, are they not also a distrust for God's plan/purpose/intention/capability in those specific areas?

James Hudson Taylor wasn't a fan of religiosity. Yet this man was sold out for Christ and the calling that the Lord gave him. Even before he start China Inland Mission, even just at the prospect of getting to go for the sake of the Gospel he "exercised his spiritual muscles of faith" by giving 2/3 of his income to Gospel work in slums. He gave up the comforts living off his parents or with relatives and rented a room in an impoverished area to be better prepared for what he might encounter in life. He slept on a hard mattress and went months eating only bread and oatmeal..by choice! all that he might be better prepared and exercised for his calling to China. He made his own Chinese dictionary and put himself through a good portion of medical school depending only of God to provide for him and sustain him.He held on tight to Christ and His calling to missions in China. He is probably the most disciplined and exceptionally given to prayer that I have ever studied. it's genuinely inspiring..but look where he started:

"Though he had committed his entire life to God, Hudson continued to struggle with times of failure and discouragement. And it was in one such experience of defeat and discouragement that he called out to God for help. He so wanted to live a life pleasing to God in every way that he felt he would go anywhere, do anything, suffer however the Lord asked if only God would give him the assurance of his clear direction."
(pg 8, Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret)

How I long for that! A clear calling to hold onto, a life that is pleasing to Christ in every single way. God has challenged me to start be disseminating fears that I have that potentially would limit me in ability to fulfill His calling. God has been bringing a new light to fear. It's sin! He's calling me to speak in front of people, to be graded and judged and to talk to strangers..all the time, things that I'm just not a fan of! ha! Having a fear of these isn't good enough.But what do I do about it? In regards to repentance, I am reminded of the great words of Thomas A Kempis in Imitation of Christ..

(on a long,long list of the sinful inconsistencies of humans..)
When you have confessed and deplored these and other faults with sorrow and great displeasure because of your weakness, be firmly determined to amend your life day by day and to advance in goodness. Then, with complete resignation and with your entire will offer yourself upon the altar of your heart as an everlasting sacrifice to the honor of My name, by entrusting with faith both body and soul to My care, that thus you may be considered worthy to draw near and offer sacrifice to God and profitably receive the Sacrament of My Body. For there is no more worthy offering, no greater satisfaction for washing away sin than to offer yourself purely and entirely to God..."(from The Examination of Conscience and the Resolution to Amend)

"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba Father!'The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."
Romans 8:15-17

flustered future, and pre-trib rapture prayers...

I have a lot of really cute, well- articulated thoughts written out in a pepto-pink moleskin just dying to be transferred to this blog.I do. but let's forget my writing ability and valuable life lessons in the mundane and be real for a second..
WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?
Am I called to a life in ministry? Do I want to pursue missions as a career?
Am I really suppose to actually revolve a life plan around the mere hope of a spouse and kids and adorable house with cute door knobs? or is that just baggage at this point?
What degree of what I "want" or have "desire" for actually matters within the scope of "living in the will of God".
Is it right to assume that ministry, or "that standard of the impoverished missionary" as my dad would call it, is what God's calling me to?
Is it biblically okay to assume that I am called to anything other than missions?
Could I be happy with just a job to pay the bills? When someone tells you "you're called to more than that" what the heck does that mean?
If I am presenting my life as a sacrifice of adoration to God while I work at Taco Bell and really just hope to pay rent is that actually less godly than being a poor pastor's wife just hoping to pay rent?
Is it even less godly to be a wealthy Christian serving Christ and making bank?

There is a horrible imbalance in thoughts of what kinds of careers are godly and spiritual(or what that even means). There's an even more horrible pull on my life in both directions when really I don't care weather I am in Tibet or making 40 grand here as a nurse or being a wife and a mother that disciples and loves and is frumpy as ever!I want all of those. and at the same time, I want NONE of those because I am not convinced that anyone one of those directions alone is satisfying, cause ultimately I know I can only be satisfied by Christ. Not a noble cause, or a great career,especially not a lot of money, or even a family.
It's so easy to sit in classes and soak in knowledge and DREAM of the possibilities.
But what do I actually do? What do I put my hands to? When do I walk away from some dreams? Where do I apply?
ya and I dont even know if I am 100% convinced of a pre-trib rapture anymore, but I am currently (and very selfishly) praying for one at this exact moment.
Any suggestions?

Advice is welcome, scripture is encouraged and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Think on these things

“Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness you will know what His will is.”
- Amy Carmichael

Support Me!

Does anyone want me to send them a beautiful hand crafted card that asks for money to support my endeavor to build a preschool in the Northern Hill Tribes of Thailand?

No? Oh...okay..

Well Lord, whats next?







I covet your prayers.
Pray I get to go to Thailand December 26- January 9th
and that God miraculously provides the $2600 for the plane ticket and building project.
And that the harvest will be plentiful
but mostly that I get to be a laborer for the Gospel.
Thanks.