Take My Moments And My Days

  Ah. What a week! Have you ever had so many feelings that you feel nothing? Like you just get dragged around by your stupid heart until your mind just refuses to participate? I'm there. It always amazes me which things in life stress me out enough to remind me that I am not enough (read: bring on a meltdown). It's not a bad case of pms. It's not preschoolers and the looming threat of hand, foot & mouth. It's not that I can't seem to ever get the wood floor 100% clean, though that is irritating. It's not being a full time student and full time employee. It's tuning my guitar. It's going through old cards, hearing a sad song that snaps you back into reality where others are hurting and/or going to hell. It's not being able to escape my thoughts...even when I'm sleeping. It's this last week. 

  On Friday evening, I slipped away to sit by the pretty little man-made lake and stare at the water's reflection, the ducks quacking, and the shades of the amber mountain in the distance. It was in that silence that I actually felt thankfulness return to my heart for the first time this week. TGIF was the cry of my heart and He just held me. And I praised Him for guiding me through it, for keeping me, for holding me and in that stillness, I knew His love and hope again. My heart's refrain switched to "that was hard, but He IS better" and then the sprinklers went on with the nasty recycled water drenching me and my blanket and coffee. Oh, Eastlake! How I love to hate you sometimes.

   Last Sunday, I was reminded of a quote I saw floating around instagram and pinterest

which said, "When you don't renew your mind, your feelings will always take you back to what you got delivered from." I have no idea who said it, but isn't that the truth? All week God has been so good and faithful to meet with me and be near to me, despite the tug-o-war game my emotions were playing."Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
   This is the truth I held on to this week. To rejoice in Heaven, to be patient each day and constantly calling out to Him. He says "No" sometimes and redirects me more than I've ever had to redirect any hyper preschooler, but He is always close by. He is never turned away from me and He never turns me away. That is what moves me to melody and praise.
  Whatever this next week holds, I hope to still have this hymn stuck in my head and on my lips.

Hold up! 10 truths that got me through this week!

I've been working through some difficult things. And by "working through", I mean God has had grace enough to carry me through, open my eyes, reveal sin and admonish me in His Word.
1. The Word of God tells me to abide in Him and that He abides in me. (john 15, 1&2 john)
The mere fact that He reveals specific sin in my life is the work of my Guarantee , my sealing of the Holy Spirit and His active work in my heart&mind to sanctify me and complete the good work that Jesus started in me.
2. This means I am His.
And while I may not feel it, His Word tells me that He is mine. His communion table actively reminds me of both my need for Him and the precious truth that I have Him right now( He never leaves us) and I have Him to look forward to (we'll see him as He is!)
3. He uses me in the midst of my own struggles.
Teaching me that He, in fact, is the sole Doer of every good work in my life.. even when I think/had thought"I have it together& of course I am being used"... Praise God!
4. His Word combats each lie I am tempted to buy into.
It is Right& True and tells me that I am dead and my life is hidden in Christ. My worth and identity is untouchable in the hands of the most caring of all Shepherds!

5. So When I feel like no one wants me or that people only want me to watch their kids or, that I don't want me, I am forced to face the truth that He wants me.
He wants me so bad that He will transform and prune and stretch me past what I can even understand.
And that He does it for my own good and for His ultimate glory. And THIS is a worshipful life (Rom 12:1-2) and an abundant life (John 10:10)
6. The testimonies of those who have gone before me (in scripture) show me that "it could always be worse!"
what an earthly thought. But I think of Hosea taking a wife of whoredom. How bizarre and well, worse than anything I've yet to experience. God's purpose in that was redeeming love. God has a purpose in all He does and God can use all things (Rom 8:38)
7. The testimonies of those who run alongside me propel me to keep on going.
I think of my dear sweet friend jazmin pressing through cancer at the ripe age of 22...rock solid in her faith. I think of my faithful friend Christine, struggling alongside me to fix our affections on Christ and serve Him joyfully. I think of my pastors and close friends who go out of their way to support my endeavors.
8. I am reminded that in every past struggle, I gleaned a richness to my faith.
I've seen and believed God in a deeper way. He's unchained yet another piece of my heart and captured it with His kindness. And so in the midst of tears and confusion I anticipate the richness I will know yet again from trusting Him for my day to day.
9. I am assured of His character/nature and knowability!
I am confident He is the Good Shepherd, that He is my Refuge and Shelter. That He is Strong, All-wise and the Giver of good gifts. I delight in His Mercy, His goodness and His comfort. I know He keeps His Word and I rejoice in His faithfulness to me, in spite of me.
10. I am all the more confident in His heart as my Abba Father.
I am becoming quick to enter His throne room and sad to leave it. I am certain that He desires me to pray and moves on behalf of me. I am acutely aware that prayer reminds me that this control freak has no control but one better, has an Advocate who is Jesus Christ, the Righteous!
And so to this end I pray- Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth-in my heart, life, workplace, home, thought life,ambitions- as it is in Heaven.

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Elect exile

I started to read through 1 Peter today.
To be honest, every Christmas break is a struggle for me spiritually.
I have zero routine. I am not teaching the Word or surround by people who's sole collegiate aim is to study it.

The irony of this is that I am now on an indefinite christmas break until the eternal Christmas when my King returns! And while January will bring routine, nothing is certain...freaks me out.

Speaking of freak outs- I feel like if you read my blog then you predominately get to hear my inward dialogue and struggles, not that I am a hypocrite but once processed-and sometimes not- I share with you the precious things I ponder in my heart.
I am not yet sure if that is a good thing. In fact, most of me feels like you should earn the privilege of hearing it... Haha but the reality is, if you've read this far I suppose you have.
All that to say, yesterday I ruined a perfectly lovely day by simply freaking out on the inside.
"I have no goal or purpose"
"I'm 22 and I live with my parents"
"I can't even keep my room clean or be nice to my parents"
"my hair won't even cooperate with me" "why did I get a degree in BIBLE!!?!!"
"where should I get a Job?"
etc etc etc
All boiled down to a very confused and sad Malia. :(
Back to the beginning- 1 Peter.
Believe me when I say that the last thing I wanted to do this morning was spend time in the word. But I'm so glad I did( FYI this is nearly always the case...check yourself!)
So here I am to share with you God's heart in peter's introduction no less! It changed my heart, focused my mind and is just pretty stinkin cool!

Peter is in Rome writing to a handful of cities in Asia Minor. He addresses his letter to "elect exiles"...what a cool title!
While exiles may not seem like a particularly hopeful term, it absolutely is! Because it references our unnatural placement, our deep longing and search for something to call 'home' and our obvious misfitting within the world.
When modified by the word 'elect',it sounds the alarm we need to hear- that we are accepted by God, chosen by Him for salvation and unearned favor, and for the purposes listed further on in the text. What a paradox to have elected exiles, but doesn't that explain our deep struggle to stand out and fit in, or to be contented in a striving world or to force our flesh to submit to the things our spirit wills?
But look what Peter writes "according to" in verse 2--
1. The foreknowledge of God the Father
2. The sanctification of the Spirit
3. The sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ (for our obedience)
This is by the ACTIVE work of the Triune God that He writes: "grace and peace be multiplied to you."

Best introduction ever!
Do you want a multiplication of grace, that beautiful unearned favor of God
or peace, the kind that surpasses all understanding, the kind that allows you to stand before God(Rom 5)?

Look no further- it's multiplied to you in the active work of God being sure of His choice when He drew me to Himself for His own delight.
It's evident in the progressing sanctification as we are made into the likeness of Jesus through the Spirit which seals us and guarantees us we will see Him again and be where He is.
Grace and peace culminates in the sprinkling of the blood of Christ for our redemption!
In Him we know grace upon grace. In Him we have peace with God..in Him we have a Living Hope, as Peter will go on to write, that is cause for rejoicing and obedience to Him.
In Him, All my qualms are settled,emotions dissipated.
In Him, I can rejoice.
What a God of grace and comfort we serve...

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School Troubles

I could just cry! I feel so confused and disillusioned.
I just wanted to become a better human being and help others.And all a long, the Lord most certainly has been faithful to grow me, stretch me and use me. And then I come to these walls and here I am freaking out! The fact that I freak out might actually be more frustrating.
"What are you talking about?", you ask... The answer: Biochemistry... it looms over me and waits til I'm down to kick me repeatedly and aggressively.

I am more and more aware of how stupid I am every time I go to class. I just don't get it. It makes me angry, because I really wish I did. I really wish I understood the Vmax of the Mk of the enzyme inhibitors but I don't even know how to calculate the Vmax.. Actually, I didn't even know enzymes had velocity.
And outside of feeling irreversibly dumb, incompetent and overall like a big failure on a regular basis, the fact is I have to pass this class with a C or I do not get my Biology minor which I have tortured myself working for the last 4 years.
Now here I am questioning my entire life. What was I thinking? Maybe I am not cut out to be a college student or a nurse. What am I doing? Am I wasting my life? Why couldn't I have just gone to school to be a teacher or been naturally talented to do some vocation that's awesome..
On the other hand, doesn't that mostly mean I am asking God if He really knows what He's doing? And if He really is in control of this and if He actually hates me?
That's certainly not my place! I am such a mess. I need a hug and a lot more of Jesus and probably a really patient and smart biochemistry tutor since my first test is a week from today.
I know not everything is smooth sailing. I know this semester is a ridiculously minuscule percentage of life.  And I know God is in control and He loves me even though I fail in many levels and areas.
...what to do now...

Summer Reflections

My last official semester in college begins in less than a month. This realization has caused me to evaluate the success of my summer based on two things:
1) what has the Lord been teaching/guiding me to do and
2) how many delightful san Diego summer adventures have I enjoyed..
I am pleased and super blessed to share both with you!
First and foremost, it seems the major theme of the summer was/is the Lord teaching me to trust Him more. If you know me, you know how much I adore the Sovereignty of God. I love the fact that He's placed me in the family, city, country etc. that He did and He's got it under control. But further, to trust Him throughout the day when I have no love for the screaming baby, I'm really too tired to read to children, chase my dogs who continually try to run away or drive my friends to the airport. Am I giving Him the opportunity to prove Himself strong and sovereign or am I taking shortcuts, whining, and completely missing out on watching Him move?

Secondly, how many summer niceities have I enjoyed? I, again, pleased to tell you I feel completely fulfilled.. Beach days, camping trips, pool days, BBQs, Bonfires, sleeping in, staying up late, art projects, mexico trips, sea world adventures, reading in balboa park, walks on the beach, ice cream for lunch, trying new cooking adventures, throwing parties, $5 movies, bike rides, mini road trips, thrift stores, craft stores, all four episodes of the unit and time with the people I love..
I now get to add, "the world's best donuts" to the list due to my Tuesday pull off the road at Stardust Donuts in IB.. so many fond childhood memories all at once and making new memories with some of my favorite people almost make up for all the thousands of days I've driven by this only to be disappointed cause its closed.

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Absence and Beyond

I've come to realize that blogging is the summation of my leisure time.. and when I get busy or overwhelmed it is the first thing on the chopping block. So it has been a while since I've posted. The last three weeks have been so memorable and challenging and beautiful... It is the end of a semester which means I ought to be currently writing term papers instead of this but being that my largest one is completed I can't help but feed the blog just a little.
It all started with my annual  leadership retreat with my high school kids on the first of this month. I could feel the funk cloud rolling in over my joyous soul and I fought it so strongly. But still I couldn't help but FEEL pathetic in everyway. 33 Miles later of rowing, I can certainly say that I grew as a person. That enduring to the end produced character....not without some tears I'm afraid.
To be honest, the last couple of weeks I have really been struggling with fixing my eyes on the cross to find my purpose constant and true in Christ alone and submitting to whatever that looks like on a day to day basis. By the very nature of my actions, no one would really be able to tell. I can keep it together!
I have two paradoxical rules for myself: the first being that under no circumstances should how I feel alone dictate my actions and the second being that I must go out of my way to always be transparent. It has proven difficult many times when perhaps hypocrisy or quitting would be much easier for everyone; however, it is one of the convictions I thank God for the most. and it has proved truly necessary this time around in keeping me humble, accountable and shepherded..
Through the last weeks, I am reassured that God permits me to struggle, meaning that He is still in control. God allows me to wrestle through things, to fail and get back up. There is an indescrible richness in struggling when you walk with Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5&6 says, "We destroy arguments and every loft opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."

This is the verse after which my blog is patterned. This includes my own opinion of myself at times, or the lies that culture or emotion or the devil surround me with.
I've been struggling with my own inadequacies.. which isn't all bad because there are areas of my life that demand reform. but the thought to be punished is "that God didn't really know what He was doing when He chose me" or "I am so messed up, pathetic, inadequate etc that what could God possibly do with me?"

In the midst of evaluating what must be reformed (laziness, being late for everything, speaking too much etc) VS. trusting God to refine me (my passion for ministry, my future, my opportunities and personality) there is a delicate balance that ultimately calls us to wait on Him and His grace. To look for His grace, submit to His moving and renew your mind continually in the Word. Man! He's so faithful to feed me truth when I struggle- He is the Potter and I am the clay (Jer 18:4); My heart is desprately and deceitfully wicked and He knows it(Jer 17:10); He alone is Sufficient (2 Cor 3:4-6); I am dead and my life is hidden in Christ ( Col 3:3) and so on.

Christianity is not a consumer-oriented religion that can fit your worship style and every preference. It is a relationship in which you lay down your life continually because of the growing adoration for everthing God is and has done. This means it cannot fit into my perfectly structured boxes or expectations, it certainly won't be easy or even be about me...but in light of Christ- even my inadequacies  CAN and are meant to glorify Him.
Praise the Lord!