Ahh I have a growing love for Ellie Holcomb. Her lyrics easily sum up the root issues behind the confusing business of being inside my own head so much. Also, she's fun to sing along with in terms of harmony.
I haven't written in a million months and so I'm just going to start with right here, right now. I have for the most part been living in the present and learning to trust the Sovereignty of a truly good God.
I love cooking and planning days and trips and learning guitar and now in grad school. They take up most of my time. And Yesterday I crafted for the first time in like a year other than the very few things I've made for my office. And I remembered I love crafting too. Weird that I could forget that, right?
I continue to thrive on alone time. Time to worship alone, study alone, process my heart and thoughts alone, binge watch tv alone, cook alone and not necessarily feel alone but whole.
I can't really explain that to some, to some it sounds like torture.. To me it is relief and safety.
This morning however, I sabotage my own self with my aloneness.I love my community group that meets on Thursdays. I truly am developing community with them and finding a valuable place for them in my heart- slow and steady.
I love the church I am going to, but it still doesn't feel like home even though I've been there for nearly 10 months. I can make a list of practical ways to become more connected but at this moment I dread putting in the effort to get up, get ready, drive all the way there, fight for parking and get inside to find that I truly know no one and will leave right after to go be alone some more. It's Sunday's when my aloneness is actually hard...which is incredibly ironic since its God's day and of all days shouldn't I remember how close He really is to me?
The trouble is that I know it is times like these that I need God's precious word and teaching more than anything. So I am getting up now and hopefully won't look too disheveled when I do finally make it to church.
Oh God! Help me believe that You will be my portion and my strength! Heal my heart. Make me care and love and friendly again and when I fail at that like right now, please remind me just how Good and kind You are!
May your Sunday be filled with grace upon grace, with hope in a trust worthy God and times of worship amidst His kids.
No comments:
Post a Comment