Taking Every Thought Captive...: Finally Found Some Words.

Last week, at this time I spent NYE and New Years in Sequoia National Park. It was the last major stop on our Road trip (#freebirdsflynorth). I definitely thought camping would be an appropriate place to spend the holiday…change it up a little and it’s always good to see the beautiful Sierra Nevadas! Usually the end of a year and the beginning of a New Year make me quite sappy, slightly melancholy and a whole lot of reflective and pensive. Nature seems to be a good place for that to happen as well…so why not end the year on a good note and start a fresh year in a fresh place? That was my logic at least. Except that it was freezing and I was in survival mode rather than pensive blogger mode so I am barely beginning to process the last 6 weeks of my life, and rather hesitantly too.

We went on this one hike that would be a peaceful stroll in the spring or summer, but was not so in winter. The Road to the “hike” was socked in in snowy, icy majesty strewn with fallen trees and tracks that were too fun to spy. A brisk two miles later, we reached the bottom of the 400 steps carved into the large granite overlook. It’s like a tiny baby half dome and it provides and incredible view of the Western Divide and the giant trees and Lake Kaweah off in the distance. We began our ascent cautiously as it isn’t recommended to climb the slippery steps after snow or rain.. but YOLO right? So up we went. About half way, a friend remained and we continued on carefully placing each step in a crevasse or crunchy snow hoping to avoid the sneaky ice that covered the swirling gauntlet to the top. Through a couple parts of it I stuck my arms and legs out like a starfish and wedged myself between the rock wall and the ledge divider to make my way up completely avoiding the floor. San Diegans…we don’t really know how to do slippery coldness. I laughed a few times because I found myself hugging the rocks that lined the cliff to avoid slipping. I made it to the top. Took pictures until my heart was content and absorbed the sunlight the best I could before quickly venturing down to our friend who was patiently waiting to be done with this. The way down took even more concentration and less pictures. It was a fun and rewarding challenge and made me feel warm for the first time since having arrived there.

Each night, we read tales of John Muir, ate soup and sat around the fire until we felt like our toes would fall off then we would put on like 100 layers and climb into the tent and buddle ourselves in our layers of synthetic material. Cotton Kills. It was fun, a welcomed distraction even, but I basically did zero reflecting. My new yellow tent on the other hand—awesome.

I found my life lately to be like that…a fun and welcomed distraction while I just try to survive. I’ve been only barely keeping my footing despite the immense fun of vacation and the craziness of Christmas. My hope has been hanging by a string through Christmas, which is crazy because Christmas itself is such a beacon of hope. I find myself torn in ways I never imagined. My heart feels dull and each moment feels like a new tugging emotion or flashy distraction fights for the place that only my Sustainer can occupy in a way that I can barely stand against. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so weak and lame and had so much to be grateful for at the same time. Life is completely beautiful. I am traveling and experiencing so much. I am learning to love more sincerely, each member of my family. I am very slowly finding enough courage to seek out new community and the humility to appreciate whatever it looks like. I am currently sick in bed, but with a chance to rest and reflect. I am blessed, taken care of, provided for and still feel so wrecked inside. And it becomes more clear that more than adventure or community or getting my life in some kind of order, more than deep thinking or distraction..i really just need to be held by my Creator and Sustainer. That’s not something that I can muster or arrange or bargain for. It just is and I have to let it be. He’s always holding me. He never lets me go. He never leaves me or forsakes me. Certainly, if there is anything I learned in 2014, it’s that no matter what He’ll never abandon me.

This past Sunday, one of the deacons taught on Lamentations 3:22-23. Its my favorite Old Testament passage easily (well, v.21-28). I know so much about its historical context, the value of the truths in it. Its not new to me. But it is my favorite for a reason. When he first stated he was teaching that passage I freaked out a little inside. I knew my heart was a mess, my emotions were wreaking havoc on everything stable about me and the last thing I wanted to do was to approach this favorite passage of mine with a dull, skeptical heart. Good thing I don’t control everything! Because, it was in this messiness of heart that I so needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. Of His firmness and steadfast mercy. Of His immovable character that is fixed on keeping me, not consuming me. And, all of it despite my unfaithfulness, or my wishy washy, half-ass approach to loving Him back as of late.

2014 is hard to swallow. Hard to say goodbye to, if only because it means to cement the contents of it, lock it up and never go back. It doesn’t matter what I feel about it anymore, because it is gone. (Cue Switchfoot song playing in my head.) 2014 had high highs and low lows. And all it can be now is a memory with its good and bad. With its misery and magical moments. Every year has both when we recollect. But this year that I leave behind with tears will have its place as a teacher for all the years I have yet to encounter. The things I learned and felt cannot be changed. There is no going back, but I can ensure that I have grown and that I continue to do so. That I remember God’s faithfulness to me, my need for Him and the beauty of relying on Him day by day. That I remain desperate for Jesus above all and gratefully take my trash and distresses to Him because He doesn’t ever fail.

Ten days into 2015 and I am confronted with the reality that I’ve carried so many fears into this New Year. Fear that can only be dismantled by His perfect love. There is no fear in love! I pray to know that this year, to know His perfect love and see my fears disseminated. To know and share love that will reflect the perfect love with which God loves His children. I want to tread carefully through this year in pursuit of being loved by Christ and loving those around me. Ah. It sounds so basic. But if that is all I pursue and struggle through in 2015, I know it will be a year well-lived, however painful at times.

I want to start the rest of my day and year, and yours too if you’re reading this, with Paul’s admonition from 1 Corinthians 16:13-14:

“Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all you do be done in love.”

And it can’t go without mentioning, that the only reason we can pursue this type of life, is if we are well versed with the good news of chapter 15..so take that out for a spin because our hearts desperately need to hear it often.

And let the pictures begin…because it has been a few weeks.