My ideal evening set up...not.
The question posed was "what about grace has changed how you live?"
They had just finished at 9 week study on grace and were discussing very specific points of reference which I definitely hadn't been there for.
I sat quietly and listened to each person chime in and then I drifted away into an ocean of thought. They never specifically asked me. Maybe it was the glazed-over look on my face or out of respect for my newness, but my thoughts just wandered all over grace.
It is true- grace changes everything.
I am no stranger to grace. I breath it in every moment and I am convinced it's that only reason I haven't imploded. My mind went back to the bittersweet afternoon I spent crying at the beach..crying in public.
(Yep, I'm hitting up all my absolute favorite activities on my day off.)
This has officially been the longest two weeks of my life. The highlights have been getting a tan, finding "latex effect" nail polish, making it through more than one worship song at a time without sobbing and finally making it to Jeremiah 31. Deep sigh of relief/exhaustion/joy.
It was last summer about this time, when I last read Jeremiah. I never finished it as I had to begin reading James to get ready for women's bible study. This time has been completely different. I've poured over these 30 chapters leading up. As I wake, before I sleep, when I just can't manage to make myself eat- Jeremiah has been my companion.
Real talk: he's super not the nicest companion. For companionship I should rather appreciate Philippians or Proverbs or Ruth.
You know that saying, "where you're at in the Word is where you're at"? It's true. And Jeremiah telling me where I'm at has been incredibly humbling. God has shown me my sin and then pulled back a layer to show me more and more and more and more sin. It's disgusting. It's sad. And it's me.
His cries to Israel, His intense laments over Judah, His disappointment over Ephraim all point to a just, perfect, holy, jealous God. A just, perfect, holy, jealous God that I have completely failed. There are instances where I am completely overcome by the ugliness of my sin, the hurt it has brought, the way I have utterly failed my God. I identify with Israel. Stupid, stubborn, fickle Israel. I pray in these times that God would just kill me and take me home already.
It has been a constant battle to read Jeremiah, see him showing and removing sin so clearly and know that He's doing it all in love. That these two long,hard weeks ultimately exemplify the great lengths He would go in order for my heart to be right before him.
While I wish that I were perfect and never sinned or struggled or failed, I find myself strangely thankful that out of failure I have experienced just how much He loves me. Enough to not let another day pass before he reclaimed my heart and set right my feet. Ahhh, so many emotions!
So today I sit alone at the beach and rounded the corner--
Jeremiah 30:11-13It was at this point that I just lay there in the sand and cry sad, incurable tears. Obviously, this is not how grace has changed how I live. After a good cry and a reapplication of sunscreen, I kept reading. Thank God! Because then I made it to Jeremiah 31.
11 For I am with you to save you, declares the LORD; I will make a full end of all the nations among whom I scattered you, but of you I will not make a full end. I will discipline you in just measure, and I will by no means leave you unpunished.
12 "For thus says the LORD: Your hurt is incurable, and your wound is grievous.
13 There is none to uphold your cause, no medicine for your wound, no healing for you."
Jeremiah 31 has some of the most beautiful verses I have ever read.
Verse 3- "the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. "
Verse 9- "With weeping they shall come, and with pleas for mercy I will lead them back, I will make them walk by brooks of water, in a straight path in which they shall not stumble, for I am a father to Israel, and Ephraim is my firstborn. "
Verse 13- "Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow."
Verse 20- "Is Ephraim my dear son? Is he my darling child? For as often as I speak against him, I do remember him still. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I will surely have mercy on him, declares the LORD. "
Verse 33b-34- "I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And no longer shall each one teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."
This makes me want to stop everything and worship. That's how grace has changed how I live. It moves me to worship God. It sets me free to rejoice in who God is and what He has accomplished. It realigns my whole being- everything I know of myself, my hopes and dreams and fears and worries and guilt and shame and despair- sets it all aside and frees me to praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.
So while I am extremely glad that none of the strangers asked me tonight, I am thankful that the question was posed and trust that someday God will use this time and testimony for His glory.
There's truly no limit to the faithfulness of God...to sinful Israel or to myself.
Selah.
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