Absence and Beyond

I've come to realize that blogging is the summation of my leisure time.. and when I get busy or overwhelmed it is the first thing on the chopping block. So it has been a while since I've posted. The last three weeks have been so memorable and challenging and beautiful... It is the end of a semester which means I ought to be currently writing term papers instead of this but being that my largest one is completed I can't help but feed the blog just a little.
It all started with my annual  leadership retreat with my high school kids on the first of this month. I could feel the funk cloud rolling in over my joyous soul and I fought it so strongly. But still I couldn't help but FEEL pathetic in everyway. 33 Miles later of rowing, I can certainly say that I grew as a person. That enduring to the end produced character....not without some tears I'm afraid.
To be honest, the last couple of weeks I have really been struggling with fixing my eyes on the cross to find my purpose constant and true in Christ alone and submitting to whatever that looks like on a day to day basis. By the very nature of my actions, no one would really be able to tell. I can keep it together!
I have two paradoxical rules for myself: the first being that under no circumstances should how I feel alone dictate my actions and the second being that I must go out of my way to always be transparent. It has proven difficult many times when perhaps hypocrisy or quitting would be much easier for everyone; however, it is one of the convictions I thank God for the most. and it has proved truly necessary this time around in keeping me humble, accountable and shepherded..
Through the last weeks, I am reassured that God permits me to struggle, meaning that He is still in control. God allows me to wrestle through things, to fail and get back up. There is an indescrible richness in struggling when you walk with Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5&6 says, "We destroy arguments and every loft opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete."

This is the verse after which my blog is patterned. This includes my own opinion of myself at times, or the lies that culture or emotion or the devil surround me with.
I've been struggling with my own inadequacies.. which isn't all bad because there are areas of my life that demand reform. but the thought to be punished is "that God didn't really know what He was doing when He chose me" or "I am so messed up, pathetic, inadequate etc that what could God possibly do with me?"

In the midst of evaluating what must be reformed (laziness, being late for everything, speaking too much etc) VS. trusting God to refine me (my passion for ministry, my future, my opportunities and personality) there is a delicate balance that ultimately calls us to wait on Him and His grace. To look for His grace, submit to His moving and renew your mind continually in the Word. Man! He's so faithful to feed me truth when I struggle- He is the Potter and I am the clay (Jer 18:4); My heart is desprately and deceitfully wicked and He knows it(Jer 17:10); He alone is Sufficient (2 Cor 3:4-6); I am dead and my life is hidden in Christ ( Col 3:3) and so on.

Christianity is not a consumer-oriented religion that can fit your worship style and every preference. It is a relationship in which you lay down your life continually because of the growing adoration for everthing God is and has done. This means it cannot fit into my perfectly structured boxes or expectations, it certainly won't be easy or even be about me...but in light of Christ- even my inadequacies  CAN and are meant to glorify Him.
Praise the Lord!