Side bar: there's a place in Crete named Malia. I find that exciting.
Strangely, my mind isn't concerned at all with what tomorrow brings, or what all my newly beloved characters are up to in Lark Side to Candleford ( I know...I'm an old lady) or when my packages will arrive or even wether or not it's safe to sleep with the widows open on this hot night.
My brain is just awake. After a day of stress and emotions, it refuses to rest. It is struggling to wrap around things I have no further control over. It's pondering the intricate details of things that aren't my business. It's mourning the end of summer and of much more. It's racing through memories and grasping to keep even a few. I can't remember very much outside of today. I find my vision clouded from both the past and the future. I look through pictures and don't know the places or faces. I see myself and I don't know me. I see everyone around me encumbered in hard battles that I cannot help them to conquer or even begin to understand, in fact it feels as if I only make them worse. I find myself without wisdom and without understanding and wavering in spite of whatever hope I've been holding. I can't help others or myself. I can't fix the many problems without solutions. My brains finds no rest from it's meddling search for solutions, for possibilities, for silver linings. The obvious answered would seem to be to turn to prayer. But that obvious answer comes with the reminder of how frequently God has said "no" to basically everything I have asked. I am sure that that is definitely an ignorant statement. I am certain if only I could fathom the spiritual realm that there are good reasons, that there are blessings and answers beyond what I can see at this moment. But I truly find myself at a stand still because it seems as if God is merely doing the opposite of each thing I request and my wicked hearts seeks to find a way to still get it's own way, as if I could manipulate God. How wicked I really am!
I trust God, but the darkness of this night and many others that seem to fill the horizon make me long for the light.
Be still, my soul. A command I must practice. I wish I knew how to better enact stillness in my heart and mind.
The second part of that verse is to "know that I am God". In stillness, I ask only of God that He be Himself and do as He sees fit. In stillness, I recognize His "no" as an answer to prayer worth rejoicing over (I'm really not here yet). In stillness, He gets all the glory and I stand in awe.
I long for light and stillness.
Please Lord make me still and let me know and see that You are God.
Here's the final verse of the hymn I posted earlier:
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
My Jesus can repay from His own fullness all that He takes away. Namely, this will take place when we arrive to Heaven- where love's purest joys will be restored. When loss is unimaginable. When change and tears are past and we know Him as He is.
I can't wait for that day!
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