I am typing with sore thumbs right now. The reason being that last night I returned from an extravagant and challenging 40 mile canoe adventure with my high school kiddos.
It was a fun trip.
It was my second time on this journey. so I had a relatively good understanding of what to expect because alot of things where the same: me + a high schooler + a canoe, lots of paddling, lots of water, sand bars, mosquito bites, a good appreciation of pringles, an immense amount of stars, a rewarding finish etc etc
however, the changes and challenges I experienced this time around were very telling of something going on alot deeper in my life.
I found my self on the verge of tears at my breaking point around mile 27.
I have a respect for the role that I have as a spiritual leader to my kids. I dared not vocalize my complaints and disdain for the monotony of continuing to paddle when it clearly wasn't fun and I just wanted to be done. I was, like alot of situation in my life, pulling the brunt of the weight. Let's be clear- that is not a conceited joke. I take on more than I can handle. I take on other people when I myself have leaps and bounds to grow. I take on projects and favors that alot of times I don't even want to do. I do it in the name of virtue and discipleship. and when done as unto the Lord it is my joy and pleasure to serve others.
In the context of canoeing, not a joy at all. And there are those things in life, the classes you just wish would be over already, the papers I really really don't want to write, the things you sign up to help with and then find out something way more fun and exciting is planned at the same time.. These happen...and often.
BUT it is alright to be unhappy with where you are. To have a breaking point. To not be satisfied with yourself. Because alot of those things are either relative to your mindset or don't really matter at all.
You see, at mile 27 of 40, the fact that I didn't want to paddle anymore didn't matter, not one little bit. The car that would drive me 178 miles back to everyday life was still 13 miles away and not moving. How I felt was insignificant. I'm not gonna get crazy and broadly apply that to all situations in life but I will say that lately even in my development as a person and my walk with God how I feel is irrevelant in light of the facts.
So I prayed specific and genuinely that God would let me get over myself because I knew there wasn't another option but beyond that that God would use me for the PURPOSE I knew I had embarked on the journey for.. Not just to canoe 40 miles for the heck of it, but to be intentionally fellowshipping with my high school kids.
Did you know that's where the term fellowship came from? Literally, two fellows in a ship.
DUH. How much more obvious could God make that for me? Stuck in a canoe for two days with someone...what an opportunity!
it was almost instantaneous after I purposed in my heart and mind to suck it up and actively pursue fellowship with God and my fellow canoe buddy that my mindset, feelings and even physical capactiy to keep rowing just CHANGED.
The fact of the matter is that my mind set on Christ will result in perfect peace by His doing which is what we need all the time, especially in order to serve others. (Is 26:3)
So within minutes of God working that out in my heart and refocusing my mind, He used me.
He had already set the stage, prepared the audience and now as I submitted to Him wholly, He used me. Just like that the kid asks me "Malia, how did you come to know God? How do you experience God? And how can I know God better and experience Him more?"
Fellowship with my buddy and with my God, even as the winds picked up and rowing became difficult, we did not stop. We finished out our trip strong and in good spirits. We made good time, we learned more about each other and about God. We encouraged each other..
All along God was willing to use me. That why He had me where I was doing what I was doing. But it took a breaking of my selfishness and emotions to be used an really experience the joy of canoeing, of fellowshiping.
My soreness is nothing in light of these lessons.
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