The past month and a playlist.

It has been about a month since I’ve turned 26 or blogged. It has been a hard month. And a good month. Each day seems to bring its own challenge…especially as far as my goals and hope for both this calendar year and this year of my life go. It was as if the moment I set those goals and aspirations, life set out to switch my steady treadmill to intervals..interval training is the fastest way to shock your system back into good cardiovascular conditioning though. Sweet silver linings, not with out a lot of sweat.

The problem is that I can’t seem to fix all the things about myself that I want to- emotionally, physically, spiritually. It often leaves me pretty discouraged internally. It makes me wonder “why even try?’ and so on. But this last month I have also been reminded of how much gray there is. Everything just isn’t black and white all the time. Which is a shame because it’s primarily how I’ve thought forever now. I’m realizing the extent of that as I confront things in me that I don’t like and want to change. It can be so frustrating.

For example, last week at community group we talked about how we all tend to be people pleasers or self-pleasers and I really had trouble with that. Because I can look back at events in my life and see them directly motivated by my swinging back and forth between those two camps one extreme to the other. When the reality is that God calls me to only please Him. This is vastly different from pleasing other or pleasing self because when I choose to be identified as a person set on pleasing God I am free from both of those labels and tempted to always go back to that slavery of worshipping others or worshipping self.

Freedom is what I long for. To be free from living in one extreme to the next, free from fixing one part of me only to fail in another part. Free from living in my own judgment and criticism all the time. Free from trying to make my own way when I AM HIS CHILD AND HE MAKES A WAY FOR ME. Furthermore, He takes me as I am and the only label that matters is that banner over me that reads “His beloved”… why is that SO difficult to live in when it’s the best freakin news on the planet?

I am hopeless and helpless apart from Christ. I am neither a people pleaser or selfish though prone to both. I am His and He is mine and His banner over me is love even when my heart is trying to intricately craft a banner of fear or shame or discontentment or worry or people pleasing or self indulgence or self wisdom to hang in its place. The banner that matters, the flag that flies faithfully over all my ridiculous attempts is His love and nothing less. I need the gospel each day. I need his new mercies, I need to know his unfailing kindness and ever taste of his great grace.

I wrote the above entry before leaving to church on Sunday morning. I was barely able to make myself go until I had written that out and seen that the funk I felt was more a need to hear the gospel than to sleep or clean or organize my life or do. Then, as we continued through Galatians, which is consequently all about freedom, the pastor teaching said, “ We all need and long to hear the words ‘ you are mine and you will be with me in paradise’ we must stand and live and walk in the perfect person of Jesus Christ. We WILL be crushed if we stand on our own.” I knew in that moment that God was reassuring me of His gospel at work in my heart, of His banner of love flying high over me claiming me and keeping me. This is the truth that keeps me running the race regardless of what I’m feeling. This is my hope through all of these days that someday not too far off, I will be with Him in Heaven and see Him as He is and I will know in that moment the wholeness of all the little pieces I hold on to now.

I am thankful that Heaven is at the end of this race.

“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, power and authority before all time now and forever. Amen.” Jude 1:24&25

This passage melts me. Its so regal, so official and so beautiful and insanely for me and not about my doing anything. Its entirely unmerited. It’s so easy to only interpret the entire world through the inward turmoil I am seeing when the lens God gives, the map He presents me to finish the race with is so much kinder, far more motivating and full of promises that He is going to keep.

So, here’s March’s playlist and cheers to remaining in this heart-melting hope.

 
the month in pictures coming soon.

Fear Not

  It's raining right now- in July, in San Diego. The good news is I am off work for the day so I am rather enjoying the weather now that it has pushed a little past humid and on to "stormy".
  Today was a weird day. We returned to work for a week of teacher training and preparation before the kick off of a new school year. We sat in meetings for the majority of the morning and I answered parent emails and teacher questions in the few spare moments between meetings.
On one break I ran down to my office to make sure there was a welcome packet ready for a new family planing to visit today. I sat down in my chair, gave a long sigh remembering when I used to have Monday's off, but I couldn't get this fluttering sound out of my head.
Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a bird perched on our screen. Silly thing. I went to go shake the blinds so he'd fly away and stop the world's top contender for most irritating sound.
But to my surprise, the live bird was trapped in my office between the blinds and the screen and was NOT happy that i shook the blinds. Poor thing- he was terrified, but he was also pooping everywhere at this point. I panicked and ran out of my office to look for help or seek some explanation. Our AC is broken so all the doors were perched open, it suddenly made sense how the poor thing got there, but how do I help him?
  Enter two other teachers how are far more calm than me at this point. They finally coaxed him away from the dead end that is our un-openable screen and the dumb thing flew into the corner behind a stack of movies and a large plastic inflatable pool that I was pretty convinced was gonna swallow him up, which equals dead bird and diseases and horrible smells. They removed the junk corner items slowly and up he flew, into the ceiling and then the other window that doesn't open. He hid behind the knick knacks continuing to poop until I just couldn't take it anymore and I went outside.
Our brave receptionist ended up with first gloves and a clean capture that led to his freedom.
I returned to cleaning up a poopy office just wondering the how's and why's of this event.
My mind drifted to a different set of birds.
  Last night I went to hear the San Diego Symphony Summer Pops at the Embarcadero. It was a fantastic event celebrating some very wonderful composers. It would seem I found a new love-- Fiszt's Liebestraum. I am not a classical music buff and I don't play any instruments, but I do love and appreciate music. Especially the history and overwhelming skill they imparted through the togetherness of their beautiful instruments. It was like a massage for the mind. I found my brain entirely engaged and completely relaxed. And I noticed some very smart birds perched on top of the stage awning. The looked as relaxed as I felt. The beautiful bay in the background and the wonderful sounds made for quite a delight for myself or the birds .
  What a contrast between these birds- one perched almost majestically atop a symphony, one horrifically pinned between blinds and a screen trying to be captured by humans. It seems God was showing me something after all. This morning I spent some time laying out some very specific pleas to the Lord and went into my quiet time rather expectant only to read through quite a bit of genealogies. I felt disappointed- which isn't an altogether new experience- but isn't usual for my quiet times with him lately, at least not on His part. It was only as I drove home anxiously through the rain asking the Lord if He even cared that these memorable birds of late came to mind.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matthew 6:26

  The thought strikes me that I often am the bird caught between the screen and the blinds and not the peacefully perched creature at the symphony. And yet, even that silly bird that doused the office in poop is precious to the Lord. The Lord cares about His people, even when we fly right into an office with windows that don't open and really make a mess of things.  He shows us this in scripture and echoes it to us each day if we're listening. In the same way that God lays out the detailed genealogies, He won't pass over or miss any individuals now either. He is in control. This is a great comfort to me. He loves His people, this world, my family and myself even more and much better than I do.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

For His good pleasure

Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

Sometimes I loose sight of this. Sometimes I fail to recognize God at work in me and what an incredible and undeserved priveldge this is.
Sometimes, I am so quick to look for approval and fulfillment in every other thing/person/place that this verse is the furthest thing from my mind when in reality it's a continual cause for rejoicing. It's a continual reminder to build each moment on purpose, with integrity and earnest desire to glorify my Savior.
Yesterday, I had a dentist appointment at 7am...not my brightest idea, but I made it there. Had my yearly exam by the doctor (no cavities! yaay me!) and then headed to my cleaning.
My dental hygienist is a cute little Russian lady whom pretty sure scares the plaque right out of my teeth! If you've seen Parental Guidance she's like the dentist version of the the violin instructor and twice a year she lazers my sensitive gums and shuns me.
But yesterday was a special day. No laser
for these gums! AND.. Are you ready for this?
She said she was proud of me! She said she was so happy with the condition of my gums and teeth and Oh! How I rejoiced inside! I did it. I finally got her approval. I'm so awesome!
This sounds ridiculous..because while its the truth about me..it's the ridiculous truth about me.
I love to please people, keep them happy and earn their approval.
It can,in fact, be beneficial in life to care for others and want them to be happy- but it must never be at the expense of forgetting who I am and more importantly, Who is at work in me!
Ephesians 2:10 never stops reminding me that I am His workmanship, His poeima, His functional artwork created in Christ Jesus for good works that He has ordained ahead of time for me to simply walk through as a witness of His redemptive power, as an example of His strength being perfected in weakness, as art that forces people to ask "Who made this?!"
This is for His good pleasure, not the approval of man, not a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, not even for the sake of my own reputation or identity..
And how grateful and blessed I am because of this!
It's good to be HIS workmanship!
When today feels like I'd rather stay in bed and cuddle my blankies because there are so many ways i could fail at life or because i just dont feel motivated to get up, this perspective forces me up, and with excitement, to see what He has for me today and to rejoice in what He has already done for me on the cross.
Today I'm taking my thoughts captive, I'm not allowing my heart or mind to be fooled-
it is God who is at work in you and me today
and the motivation is completely His pleasure
and I will have no greater privilege or higher calling for this Tuesday!

Help me to hide this in my heart today,Lord. You are my Master and Redeemer and there is no friend like You! fix my heart and mind, my desires and motivations on You alone today. Keep my feet from running to others for that love and acceptance and approval. Guard my heart with your Word. Make my eyes to see you continually at work in me and make me to rejoice in You today. Be the joy of my salvation! I want to be totally submitted to Your craftsmanship and in pursuit of Your glory! Help me please! I love you and I am sooo thankful for Your Son, so moved by His commitment to me when I am both undeserving to begin with and unfaithful even still. Be honored in me! Be exalted in and through my life today! In Jesus precious Name, amen!

See ya, September!

September has been quite the month!
On it's last day, I am holding on to it simply for all it's hours which I need to complete my homework, but boy! Am I eager to send it off on it's way!

In September, I hurt to a deeper hurt, grew in a richer faith, prayed more earnestly than I have in a while and grinned and beared it each day so far.
The result was that I found words to live by, I blogged to my hearts content and mostly, I experienced change-
in my mind and heart and ministry and family and friendships and goals and job.
I've also learned that change is great and despite the confusion it could possibly bring- I can always embrace it trusting God to work all things out for my good and His glory.

As far as work, I've come to love each of my babies more deeply than I thought possible- to the point that they could embarrass me in front of outsiders.

I have a new love-hate relationship with the gym that's finally blossoming into mostly love.

Ive almost made it through my first round of fast track online classes this semester and I'll be truly relieved when I'm not living by virtual deadlines anymore.

The rest I am forced to just leave in the hands of God. I say "just" because it is truly my only option, but it really is also my BEST option. Because of this, because of God's faithfulness to take me right on through this month...all I can do is rejoice and be thankful.

Romans 14:17
"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit."

Righteousness and peace and joy- they can seem like a tall order for how small I can feel but "in the Holy Spirit" I see and know the unleashing of all of these in my life, even in the unfortunate month of September!
Here's to a day full of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit as we pursue Christ and His kingdom!

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Lunch lessons

Today, for the first time, I realized how depressing it is to eat a meal alone.
Not like eating on the run or while studying or enjoying a view but to be alone in the middle of my work parking lot secluded in my car.. Sure, AC and music were my friends.. But really can they count as friends?
I could barely stomach my healthy and simple packed lunch when my mind started to wander to the awesomeness of past lunches at college or with friends or hopes of future lunches with people I enjoy.
And it hit me as I began to journal..
It's not a matter of putting on my brave woman pants or emotionalism.
It's a tiny memento that questions-
do you really mean what you said yesterday?
Is Jesus really better than (insert inherently good object/person/idea here)? Are you seriously okay with being alone to gain His friendship?
Today was hard, but in that moment of clarity I opened His word to be reminded, by one of my favorite passages ever, of my election& His sovereignty!

"32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies."
Romans 8:32&33
Today was hard, but He is,in fact, better.
I wonder if I'll ever stop learning just how much better..I hope not!

Strangely, I don't feel sad at all eating homemade dessert alone:) Thankfully hahaha because I'm dying for warm chocolate chip banana bread!

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The narrowing road

Yesterday God showed me that even when it feels like my world is falling apart that who I am is to be wrapped up in Him. That brought peace and comfort.

This morning as I open His Word, I looked to find that same stability and comfort. That even though my personal or professional life breaks down, or even my body ( today I blacked out at the gym=embarrassing to the max)
that my life is still hidden in Christ and while He only promises a narrow and difficult path that few can actually find, I find comfort in this:
"so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 5:21
You see, Satan is the father of lies, the author of confusion and totes a sower of discord and division..sin that reigns in death.
Ew. But we all catch glimpses of that even in our Christian walks right?
While on the other hand, Christ came and brought unity. The unity He brings is that grace reigns through His righteousness.
That previously where sin abounded, now His grace can abound so much more.
So, If I call Him Lord and Master, do I see that grace reigning in my life because of His righteousness? Or do I see death and confusion and lies from Satan?
Just something to rethink and pray through.
What is reigning in my life? Who is the source of that?
May it always be Jesus, regardless of the difficulty or narrowness of the path. Thats my prayer for today.

God, will you please reign in my heart and mind so that Your grace and righteousness aren't just my foundation but the thing I cherish the most throughout the day. Please guard my heart and mind with your Truth, with the knowledge and steadfast example of Christ and fill me up with Your Spirit so that I can live a life & speak words that honor and reflect You. Amen.

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The most important thing about me!

A few months back I made a very detailed list of priorities. Things I wanted to do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. Characteristics I asked the Lord to develop in me. You know practical things that I really just wanted to happen in my life to make me a better human being/ time manager/ friend/ daughter etc.

Today God reminded me of how useless all my priorities are if I am not sure of the most important thing about me. Through His wonderful words of comfort and truth, I couldn't be happier to say that the most important thing about me is that I am justified. Not that I am patient or pretty or dressed well or good at my job or a good friend or an excellent time manager ( which I am not haha).
It is that I am justified. The way I was taught in Jr.High was "just as if I've never sinned". You won't find that in any multivolume theology book or deep soteriology discussion, but I have carried it with me to this day.

Romans 5:1-6
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For jwhile we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

By no means is this a comprehensive study, but these are just some things I noted this morning that brought satisfaction to my thirsty soul and joy throughout the day, despite my track record with Wednesdays..


1) Therefore, since we have been justified ( remember just as if I've never sinned; declared righteous in the eyes of God as Christ is our legal propitiation) by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Christ Himself in MY peace.
2)Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace (unmerited favor) in which we stand ( not shrink back or shrivel up or get squished, we STAND before God righteous and before the world as a reflection of that Righteous Judge and Savior), and we rejoice( delight in, gladden or glory in) in hope (the hope of Heaven with Jesus, worshipping Him as He is) of the glory of God (eternal, not temporal).
3) Not only that, but we rejoice (delight in, gladden or glory in) in our sufferings (Think of Christ on the cross. He is our patter. 1 Peter 2:21-24), knowing that suffering produces endurance,
4) and endurance (again Christ as my example. He endured the cross despising the shame to ransom us from sins chains) produces character (these fruits of the spirit or imprints of Christ on us are only visible as we follow the Leader and walk in the pattern He has set for us), and character produces hope,
5) and hope does not put us to shame, (This is great news! but why doesn't this specific hope disappoint or shame us like most of the other "hopes" we try out?) because God's (unconditional, never gonna let you go) love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (but HOW is this possible?)
6) For while we were still weak (spiritually weak/ dead), at the right time ( all things are beautiful in God's timing!) Christ died for the ungodly (for me!!).

AW Towzer (whom I love) says, "The most important thing about a person is what comes into his mind when he thinks of God."
I've always loved that. But today I realized the most important thing about me is how God views me, because most of the time my thoughts are stupid..even when I am trying to think of God. But that He has declared me righteous, even while/when I was/am spiritually weak. That He gives me grace to stand through eternity and rejoice in that hope even now, knowing that He is up to good in me.
So thankful for the comfort of Gospel and its ability to both change my perspective for the day and keep my heart in check.

Today's thought

"I will not execute my burning anger; I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
the Holy One in your midst, and I will not come in wrath. "
Hosea 11:9
So Hosea.. It's a really interesting and crazy book. God's prophet to Israel lives out a testimony of God's faithfulness to the unfaithful and of ultimately His mercy&goodness to those who don't deserve it.
I often wonder about how Hosea processed all this. If he had blog what/how would he even begin to share the life God called him to?
This book cycles over and over Israel's offense against God and God's justice&mercy toward them.
It's intense. They get compared to a bad vine, and burnt cake and a prostitute on many occasions.
This verse stuck out to me today-
"for I am God and not a man"
How can God forgive them for this?
That's what I am tempted to think sometimes going through Judges or any of the prophets really.
But I am reminded here in the OT of something that echoes even greater in the NT!
God is not a man. He is far above us. He does not operate in an earthly, temporal mind. His heart is not fickle, nor does He ever disappoint.
In fact, as I read through Ephesians and I look at His role as Redeemer in my life. As the one who has made me ALIVE and loved me while I was still a sinner- its not that far off from the picture of Israel that we see in Hosea.
But God who is rich in mercy, sent Christ and because of Christ's endured sufferings, fulfilling death,and powerful resurrection..God REFUSES to hold my sin against me. Whaaaaaaat?
This is forgiveness. It's the same God I see suffering long with Israel and Ephraim in Hosea.
Not I only does He refuse to hold it against me, but He empowers believers to also be a forgiving people.
Something that is very humbling, completely amazing and worth rejoicing over is being forgiven by God and being forgiven by godly people.
While I would prefer to never fail, sin, disappoint or offend anyone I am learning to rejoice in forgiveness and to love it through and through.
It's good to be forgiven!
It's good to be His child!
It's good to know God and get to know His goodness on the daily.

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Elect exile

I started to read through 1 Peter today.
To be honest, every Christmas break is a struggle for me spiritually.
I have zero routine. I am not teaching the Word or surround by people who's sole collegiate aim is to study it.

The irony of this is that I am now on an indefinite christmas break until the eternal Christmas when my King returns! And while January will bring routine, nothing is certain...freaks me out.

Speaking of freak outs- I feel like if you read my blog then you predominately get to hear my inward dialogue and struggles, not that I am a hypocrite but once processed-and sometimes not- I share with you the precious things I ponder in my heart.
I am not yet sure if that is a good thing. In fact, most of me feels like you should earn the privilege of hearing it... Haha but the reality is, if you've read this far I suppose you have.
All that to say, yesterday I ruined a perfectly lovely day by simply freaking out on the inside.
"I have no goal or purpose"
"I'm 22 and I live with my parents"
"I can't even keep my room clean or be nice to my parents"
"my hair won't even cooperate with me" "why did I get a degree in BIBLE!!?!!"
"where should I get a Job?"
etc etc etc
All boiled down to a very confused and sad Malia. :(
Back to the beginning- 1 Peter.
Believe me when I say that the last thing I wanted to do this morning was spend time in the word. But I'm so glad I did( FYI this is nearly always the case...check yourself!)
So here I am to share with you God's heart in peter's introduction no less! It changed my heart, focused my mind and is just pretty stinkin cool!

Peter is in Rome writing to a handful of cities in Asia Minor. He addresses his letter to "elect exiles"...what a cool title!
While exiles may not seem like a particularly hopeful term, it absolutely is! Because it references our unnatural placement, our deep longing and search for something to call 'home' and our obvious misfitting within the world.
When modified by the word 'elect',it sounds the alarm we need to hear- that we are accepted by God, chosen by Him for salvation and unearned favor, and for the purposes listed further on in the text. What a paradox to have elected exiles, but doesn't that explain our deep struggle to stand out and fit in, or to be contented in a striving world or to force our flesh to submit to the things our spirit wills?
But look what Peter writes "according to" in verse 2--
1. The foreknowledge of God the Father
2. The sanctification of the Spirit
3. The sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ (for our obedience)
This is by the ACTIVE work of the Triune God that He writes: "grace and peace be multiplied to you."

Best introduction ever!
Do you want a multiplication of grace, that beautiful unearned favor of God
or peace, the kind that surpasses all understanding, the kind that allows you to stand before God(Rom 5)?

Look no further- it's multiplied to you in the active work of God being sure of His choice when He drew me to Himself for His own delight.
It's evident in the progressing sanctification as we are made into the likeness of Jesus through the Spirit which seals us and guarantees us we will see Him again and be where He is.
Grace and peace culminates in the sprinkling of the blood of Christ for our redemption!
In Him we know grace upon grace. In Him we have peace with God..in Him we have a Living Hope, as Peter will go on to write, that is cause for rejoicing and obedience to Him.
In Him, All my qualms are settled,emotions dissipated.
In Him, I can rejoice.
What a God of grace and comfort we serve...

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8 Days a Week

"And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2

I have been meditating on that verse a ton lately. In everything I do, I desire and pray that people would know Christ's love through me.
It goes like this. As I am more and more aware of Christ's love for me as an individual- as my inner man is strengthened to know the height, and the depth and the width of His great love for me- it is then and only then that I begin to understand love at all. The world presents us with a full image of what love is NOT. But they can't quite outline for you what love really is, like the Bible does..
It is especially evident at Christmas time, I would say that only a shadow of true love is usually presented.. Gift giving, external awareness to those that are cold and hungry, time spent with family, rest and all our favorite meals, hospitable and festive parties, nostalgic songs etc.
The bottom line is all those things without Christ are worthless, because He is Love.
Romans 5 presents us with an unparalleled picture of love in Christ's death on the cross.
If we take the time to dwell on the Gospel daily we will see the love of God in our lives. We will more personally know His love for us, and it will undoubtedly grow us to be loving people, to be Christ-like.
I often evaluate my actions to see what is my source of diligence and motivation or why is it lacking. And it always, always comes down to my view of the Gospel on a daily timetable.
Our hearts are fickle!
If am spending time with my family, but not willing to go that extra mile- be it driving to their house when mine is so much closer, listening to their music when mine is obviously better :), or just plain listening instead of blabbing on like I tend to do- what do I really know of Love and what do they get to see of Christ's love in me?
If I serve tirelessly the Body of Christ, but can only think of all the other things I'd rather be doing or what so-and-so is wearing do I really,truly believe with all my heart that God Loves these people and that He urgently wants them to know?
If I go on missions trips for adventure, if I serve for the "thank you's", if I show up to work/class/ministry out of obligation, is my heart genuinely centered on the Gospel?
These are hard questions to ask, but I must ask frequently.
My own understanding of and dependence on Christ's unparalleled love will be proportionally manifested in my action.
CHERISH CHRIST!

Calling Clairity...

I started reading "Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret" by Dr.&Mrs.Howard Taylor..
I love each and every page more and more. And I recommend that every believer reads it. It's available to read online here!
I feel that James Hudson Taylor and I would have been very best friends if we had been alive at the same time. What a man of faith!
There are whole pages where I feel like the author is writing my thoughts but better than I think them, but lo and behold they're someone elses thoughts entirely!
I guess one of the things God is encouraging me about through this biography is the preciousness of faith.
I am a quirky person, that's a given, but I often feel singular in my pursuit of knowing Christ..But singular is the wrong word, unique is the correct term and blessed is holding it's hand. The things God challenges me with and puts on my heart that allow me to know His heart, take up His burdens, look at people how He sees them and truly be loving are unique, but are very precious.
So I often wonder what God's long term plan for me looks like. If it's missions, if it's motherhood or nursing or what have you. and I wondered if the great cloud of witnesses that have gone before me ever felt as I feel and wondered as I wonder.
It is no coincidence that God has me studying through Joshua's Life and Abraham's life as well as Hudson Taylor's!
Joshua's life has taught me the importance of receiving a battle plan from the Lord and being in tune with the Commander of the Lord's army that I would know when sin is present.Like that of the dealing with Achan and his family. What a pity that Joshua lost men at Ai because he had not waited on the Lord to find out about the sin tainting the camp! That I'd know when He wants me to advance or yield. Even with run in's like Joshua had with the Gibbeonites!Joshua and the people did not ask counsel from the Lord (Josh 9:14) and they made a covenant in the Name of God and were totally duped by their lovely neighbors and had to go to battle for them. Even in this failure, Israel under Joshua's command defended this covenant and God was with them. God made the sun to stand still and all the enemies of His people (and now Gibeon too) to pay. And that I too would follow the admonition to be strong and courageous and MEDITATE on the Word.(Joshua 1:8)

Abraham's call, obedience, and even failures have shown me so much about faith. His call was less clear than Joshua's,in my own opinion. There wasn't an definitive end goal in sight like the Promise Land was for Joshua. But God gave him a SURE call to get up and go. And Abraham obeyed initially and was delayed and weighed down by poor choices and family. He showed great "faith failure" moments too like when he has his beautiful wife lie about her relation to him because of his irrational fear that Pharaoh would want her as his own. and didn't that backfire on him? Yet his faith was accounted to him as righteousness. He is the father of faith! What a call and promise he received and passed on.God has challenged me in my fears. Are they any different, are they not also a distrust for God's plan/purpose/intention/capability in those specific areas?

James Hudson Taylor wasn't a fan of religiosity. Yet this man was sold out for Christ and the calling that the Lord gave him. Even before he start China Inland Mission, even just at the prospect of getting to go for the sake of the Gospel he "exercised his spiritual muscles of faith" by giving 2/3 of his income to Gospel work in slums. He gave up the comforts living off his parents or with relatives and rented a room in an impoverished area to be better prepared for what he might encounter in life. He slept on a hard mattress and went months eating only bread and oatmeal..by choice! all that he might be better prepared and exercised for his calling to China. He made his own Chinese dictionary and put himself through a good portion of medical school depending only of God to provide for him and sustain him.He held on tight to Christ and His calling to missions in China. He is probably the most disciplined and exceptionally given to prayer that I have ever studied. it's genuinely inspiring..but look where he started:

"Though he had committed his entire life to God, Hudson continued to struggle with times of failure and discouragement. And it was in one such experience of defeat and discouragement that he called out to God for help. He so wanted to live a life pleasing to God in every way that he felt he would go anywhere, do anything, suffer however the Lord asked if only God would give him the assurance of his clear direction."
(pg 8, Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret)

How I long for that! A clear calling to hold onto, a life that is pleasing to Christ in every single way. God has challenged me to start be disseminating fears that I have that potentially would limit me in ability to fulfill His calling. God has been bringing a new light to fear. It's sin! He's calling me to speak in front of people, to be graded and judged and to talk to strangers..all the time, things that I'm just not a fan of! ha! Having a fear of these isn't good enough.But what do I do about it? In regards to repentance, I am reminded of the great words of Thomas A Kempis in Imitation of Christ..

(on a long,long list of the sinful inconsistencies of humans..)
When you have confessed and deplored these and other faults with sorrow and great displeasure because of your weakness, be firmly determined to amend your life day by day and to advance in goodness. Then, with complete resignation and with your entire will offer yourself upon the altar of your heart as an everlasting sacrifice to the honor of My name, by entrusting with faith both body and soul to My care, that thus you may be considered worthy to draw near and offer sacrifice to God and profitably receive the Sacrament of My Body. For there is no more worthy offering, no greater satisfaction for washing away sin than to offer yourself purely and entirely to God..."(from The Examination of Conscience and the Resolution to Amend)

"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry 'Abba Father!'The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."
Romans 8:15-17

Awareness

Do you often have the chance to spend some time with a heightened sensitivity and proclivity towards compassion for others? I believe this is what we're called to do in loving one another.

There is a constant battle between the depths of my wicked heart and softest, most gentle God-fearing section of my soul to care.
Let me put it another way, my desire, entirely God-given, that I'd like to own up to fully is to serve others compassionately, passionately, genuinely as a minister of reconciliation, peace, truth and love- because without it, I am nothing.
The reality is that every day I wake up and am lucky if, after shutting off my alarm, my first thought is "prayer" rather than back to sleep!
The reality is that I often hold my tongue for fear that what would naturally come out would be sharp, destructive and unedifying.
The reality is I probably care more deeply about what I am wearing than your problems or life story.
That sounds harsh and who wants to believe that about me? I could pass.
Now, before you feel like I just let you down -like off a cliff into a river of alligators- let me tell you the good part:

This is WAR, my friends!

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Philippians 3:12

I like clothes, but I love you. I agape you. I am obligated to you in a good way and by the grace of God, am a light or avenue of counsel or even a friend.

DAILY we must fight.

When I use the word fight in regards to sin, think full scale assault straight out of Braveheart or Lord of the Rings. Think tiring, painful, difficult, but know that it's worth it.
Know that it's worth it to put to death selfishness, to get your friend's mascara on your shirt as they cry in your arms. Know that it's worth it to ward off foolishness and laziness and BE, live like, behave as a child of God, a co-laborer with Christ, redeemed and empowered.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.Brothers,join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. " Philippians 3:13-17

functional artwork

This concept of functional artwork has been rolling around in my brain the last couple days.
Being God's ποιημα... His workmanship, product, fabric, art.. all concepts that I appreciate.
Namely because God is both the Author and Finisher.
I can't stand not finishing things. I hate getting all my sewing stuff out, going to town on something and not being done. I've sewed many hours into the night for the sake of this principle.
God is the Author AND Finisher of my faith. Isn't that beautiful?

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

Knowing that His will is sanctification for me, His will is to make much of me is awesome but the greatest joy of being God's project is knowing that He who called is faithful! The character of this Author is Good. He finishes what He starts.He accomplishes His purposes. He's faithful when I'm faithless. He's HOLY and long suffering. He's just and kind, compassionate and incredibly interested in me.
This is freeing.
The other great truth about being God's poiema is that it is purposeful.
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them"
Ephesians 2:10
"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."
Matthew 5:16

I am to be functional artwork. As He Authors me and adds details,refining His own image in me- I serve a purpose.

How functional am I in this purpose?
How beautiful is my display of His Authorship and image?
These are the questions I face in every moment of each day.
That's all.

KILL SIN!

I began reading "the Mortification of Sin" by John Owen today after a lovely trip to evangelical bookstore (everyone should go there!). I have been wanting to read this book forever now, but seriously God's timing is perfecto!

You may or may not be aware, but I am horribly the opposite of perfect. And as I studied through Hebrews this summer and 1 and 2 Corinthians and 1 Peter and Colossians and now through Romans again I am continually challenged to put the supremacy of Christ on display in my life and FIGHT the good fight. To battle off the old man and his characteristics and be renewed day by day!

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

2 Corinthians 4:16

Yet, the not losing heart part is incredibly difficult sometimes. But the fact of the matter is it is worth it to do battle for holiness. It is worth it to mortify sin and LIVE. (Rom 8:13) :)
So this book is incredibly challenging because it essentially questions the way I view sin in my life. The fatal weight that I associate my sin with and/or fail to do so and compromise. Yeah..

Some may ask, why go there? Why try to overcome sin in a sinful world? Why focus on sin so much and not grace? Believe me, I LIVE by grace. I breath by grace, pray by grace, read by grace.. But having a proper view of sin equates with a proper view of grace, of mercy and a much deeeeeeeeeeper appreciation for the Gospel, for God's Holy forgiveness, for true repentance and basically all things pertaining to salvation including grace.

The more important question is, if I genuinely and TRULY believe the Gospel truth, the richness of Christ's mercy, the unparalleled love displayed on the cross-- why am I soo comfortable with sin in my life? Why am I so quick to be judgmental, full if pride? Why is my day all about ME! Why am I so vain, materialistic, self-centered and grumpy?
why isn't the beliefs I hold intellectually and even experientially, calculated and appropriately visible in my ACTIONS?

I need to properly view sin and HATE it deeply.I need wage war on the old man and actively seek day by day renewal of my mind and walk in the Spirit.

Lord, have mercy on me.

Here's some awesome quotes:

"Be killing sin or it will be killing you." (Owen, pg 26)

"When sin lets us alone, we let sin alone: but as sin is never less quiet than when it seems to be most quiet, and its waters are for the most part deep when they are still, so ought our contrivances against it to be vigorous at all times, in all conditions, even when there is least suspicion." (Owen, pg 28)

"If sin be subtle, watchful, strong and always at work in the business of killing our souls, and we be slothful, negligent, foolish, in proceeding to the ruin thereof, can we expect a comfortable event?" (Owen, pg 29)

8 Ways to KILL SIN (Taken from a sermon available here):

1. Fear the LORD Prov 16:6
2.Walk in step with the Spirit Gal 5:16
3. Read& Meditate in His WORD Ps 119:11
4.OBEY God's Word Ps 119:9
5.Pray to God Matt 26:41
6. Make no provision for the flesh Rom 13:14
7.Exercise self control Prov 25:28
8.Confess your sin to God 1 Jn 1:9

In Conclusion, CHERISH CHRIST

slap

This morning I woke up and the weather was PERFECT! but I had this feeling deep in my gut that the weather doesnt guarantee my day to be good. and I'm not going to lie to you, it was kind of a rough morning for me.(because I was being a baby) but then TRUTH slapped me in the face.
so as I got into the Word, already feeling like a failure in ministry and so on..this is what I read:

"giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:12-14

To my relief, so plainly, it is the Father's doing that has QUALIFIED me to share in the inheritance of the saints.
It is God's work that has delivered me from darkness
and God's work that has transferred me to His kingdom and given more great things.
so why would ministry or my life plan be up to me today?

TRUTH:
"God's Past faithfulness, demands my present trust in Him."
meaning, reliance on His plans, His doings, Him completely...
Less of me, more of You please!

Seeking More, Because I have been found.

"Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ." Acts 3:19-20

Who am I?

Today, Dr. J challenged a group of us college students to confront worry in our lives because it is ineffective, illogical, irrelevant, and irreligious (according to the sermon on the mount).
The Challenge: When worry comes your way, when worry plague my mind- we must each ask "who am I?"
Because if you are a Child of God, you need not worry..worrying is a reflection of your lack of confidence in Him. But if we place all our hope and confidence in Christ- we will not be disappointed.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

there is SO much to dwell on with this verse. selah!

Priorities

The Challenge: the priority of God's Word in my (yours too) life.

Is it on my to do list?
Has it captured my memory?
Has it changed my mind?
Has it penetrated my heart?
Is it on my lips?
Can you see it in my actions?

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."
Joshua 1:8

Feeding Frenzy

"When God works there is a collision between the supreme wisdom of God and the limited understandings of man...God does mind-blowing things!" - John Hwang

I am currently listening to an awesome series of sermons on Habakkuk.. sooo good! What do you do when your understanding fails? What is going on when you don't see God at work in the corrupt world around you?
You can listen to them here:
Chapter 1

Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Friday morning!

"And having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.." Romans 6:8